Half-Hearted

My mom used to tell me "don't do anything half-hearted, if you're going to do it do it with all your heart". I hated that saying just like I hated when she said "if you put want in one hand and s*&@ in the other....which one weighs more" - she used that whenever I wanted something we didn't have the money for...which was most of the time. She also made us, me and my siblings, finish what we started, no matter what it was; if we started it was had to finish it. I didn't like playing the flute (mostly because I'm not musically inclined) but she made me finish the semester of playing in the band, just like sports, clubs, etc, etc, etc. I really didn't like her when she would make me do those things but as an adult I have placed those values in my children. I don't allow them to start and not finish a "thing" that they start, they have to finish or see thru the "thing" to the end. I'm sure that my kids feel the same way about me that I did about my mom as a teenager.

In Matt 22:37 Jesus said "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your mind." You wouldn't think that was very hard would you? I mean it sounds really easy, the words appear very easy to do, and they are pretty plain and simple. But what happens when you realize that what you are doing is not whole? What happens when you wake up on day and realize that you really aren't following these simple, plain instructions? What do you do? Well I believe that most of our leaders, pastors would say "press in" "presevere" "continue". But why? What would that prove? How would that change where you are at in not following the simple instructions from Jesus? Well I bet your waiting for some ah-hah moment, sorry to disappoint you because I am there. I am at the point where I have the realization that I am not following Jesus' simple instructions above and I'm not sure how to give all of my heart, soul and mind to Him. Don't misunderstand, I have been trying to give these parts away, trying to give my soul that feels like a part of it is missing, my mind that is non-stop running different scenarios of the past weeks, and the parts of my heart that is in pieces to Him to no avail. So how do I follow my moms instructions of "don't do it half-hearted"? How to I do what this simple scripture says? I don't know. I don't even know if presevering would be the solution.

What I do know is that its ok to be half-hearted in times of trouble (I don't know how I know that either). I know that even though my heart is not in the presevering mode, the giving mode, the loving mode towards God, He knows how I feel deep down and He is waiting patiently for me to move again. Trouble is the thing in adulthood that changes perspective of faith, it shakes foundations, and trouble - I believe - is the thing that delights in doubt. I have no doubt that I - at least somewhere in my heart, soul and mind - I love God, I just think my distress and anger is overpowering that right now. So how do you get from half-heartness to whole-heartedness? I don't know but I'm hoping that God does and that He is waiting for the half-heartedness back to Him - no matter how long it takes.