Blurry Vision

I hate the eye doctor especially when they dialate your eyes and then give you those funky glasses to where that are sooooo becoming that people have no choice but to look at you. I really dispise not being able to see clearly. This coming from one of the most unblind, blind people you will ever meet. I can not see without my glasses, I mean can not see at all. When the word blurry comes to mind think of me tryng to see 5 feet in front of me without glasses. For those of you who have never worn glasses or had to wear glasses, its like getting up in the morning to a heavy, heavy fog and trying to see through it...things are quite clear but you can kind of make out shapes and things. That's what its like to have to wear glasses or contacts, things never are really clear without them.

So when I feel like not wearing my glasses (more often than not), I find myself squinting and trying to make out things and get where I'm going (in my yard or house not in a vehicle) and usually hit a door, stub my toe, trip (my favorite) or find the wrong thing. That's how I feel right now, that is what my life kind of feels like to me, like I'm walking without my glasses. Trying to work through life without a set direction or reason why to go in that direction. And for whatever reason, I'm content with just fumbling around in the blurriness. But about 7 weeks ago a very loving friend sent me an email that said "Daughter, Make ME your focal point as you move through this day. Just as a spinning ballerina must keep turning her eyes to a given point to keep her balance, so must you keep returning your focus to Me. Circumstances are in flux and the world seems to be whirling around you. The only way to keep your balance is to fix your eyes on Me, the One who never changes. If you gaze to long at your circumstances, you will become dizzy and confused. Look to Me, refreshing yourself in My presences, and your steps will be steady and sure." This email came to me in a moment when I was (and still am) very grief stricken. I still am fumbling in the fog and loosing my balance because I, the me, me, is sustaining me not my faith. I know this because I am familiar with this part of my life, I spent - or recognize- 30 + years of being me. Reacting to the circumstance and situations around me, allowing my mouth to run amuck without control and to be angry with no regret. I see that person rising again, coming to life in a way to protect my heart and the real life that I am in, I see her rising again. The question becomes, do I want that? Do I want that life again? Right this moment, my answer is yes. It was easy to allow myself to control the situations and to build up walls and harbor in my life.

The real answer is that deep deep down I feel a stirring that I am running from (quite effectively running from too by the way), and the pursuit is becoming heated. I know because I had to stop this race before, I remember the way it felt to realize that I was running from the One person who could break the cycle and yet I am in that race again. I want to make this stop, I desire clarity and focus without blurriness and fog. Then why can't I gt there? Why is this so difficult to release and allow to become clear? Because like most things, I want a direct answer (thats me the direct answer girl). I want the why, reason, and plan laid out in front of me. Unfortunately, and like most things with "the plan", thats not what I get (or we get). We get to see for a moment a glimpse of the plan surrounded in humanly circumstances that over power the ultimate goal. Therein lies the real answer, the answer that I know I need but don't want...."trust". I don't know when the stirring I have deep inside will overpower the real me...I don't know when I will begin to focus solely on the One person who can answer my questions, even in time and not now......I don't even know at what point I will allow my words to be real to those around me and not just words. But I do know, that somewhere in the fog of blurry vision He pursues me, He holds me when I am vulnerable, He comforts me when I don't want to be around Him, and He waits for me in my anger and frustration. I guess there is a focal point in the blurriness, I just don't see it clearly .... yet.