Thursday, August 27, 2009

Far Away

I'm truly not sure where I am suppose to start this at, I feel far away from a lot of people and especially God right now. This is one of those dry seasons, those testing times when I'm suppose to keep pressing forward and I have not been very successful. Then last night a long time friend and even more so sister (at heart anyway) encouraged me, something that I needed, kind of like a jump start. I haven't been faithful in my devotion time or anytime with God, a mission that I told and promised myself I was going to do, and I have been long away from it and I feel the distance. This morning I was literally struggling to find anything in the Word to speak to me and I love Ephesians, my favorite writings by Paul, and I just flipped through and picked some pieces out to read when I read chapter 2:12. Paul says "..that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Isreal and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world." I can just paint a picture of a long drive across the American plains as a kid...driving and driving through absolutely nothing. If you have never been across the great plains you are missing a great exerience, for me this experience has reminded me of times, like now, when I feel far away from God and distant from Christ. It's like driving and all you see is slow rolling hills and flat areas that go on forever and never seem to end. You don't even feel like your moving let alone getting anywhere. This time used to be a time of anger for me and sometimes still is but more and more I have learned to see this as a time of testing and trials. Times when God has given me a mission, a direction, and I have decided that I didn't want to move in that direction. It is or seems to be the dry season when no matter what I do I can't get through to God. I guess I'm driving across those plains once again. What I have found tho is that in these times God is so faithful to send someone to me who knows exactly what to say and when to say it. He did that last night with Liz. I am by far not one to share, and last night sharing was obviously on the agenda. Liz encouraged me to know that I was on the right track, even tho it doesn't feel like it to me, and to keep pressing forward. Ephesians 12:13 "But now you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ." Wow! what a powerful feeling, words that mean so much in such a short clear sentence. I may feel far away, not because God is distant but because I am moving through yet another piece of the onion layers, one that I am reluctant to let fall away but that are being peeled apart. The drive that I am on, the one across the long and barren plains, is getting shorter and the mountains are in the distance now. And even tho they are far away, the are getting closer and one day I will get up and they will be in the front window (or out the front door). I don't know when that will be but I am sure God knows and I have to trust and believe that very soon this dry season that I am struggling thru will turn to a new fruitfulness, a new season, a new level of closeness to God. I was once far away, so far away that the plains I was walking in were dust, anger and hatred, unforgiveness and tyraids ruled my soul and flesh. Now I am near to Christ, I don't know why and I truly don't care why He loves me enough to take on what I am bringing and take it away. It makes no difference, I am near, I am in a trial, but even tho I can't "feel" Him, I know He is standing close by, I am near.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Frustrated, Delusional, and Angry...Yep That Sums It Up!

Have you ever felt all of these at once....frustrated, delusional, and angry???? I feel that way a lot lately, I had a moment where God intervened in something and I let out to my small group that I was truly (and I am) an angry person. I don't mean the person who is always sounding angry and snapping at people but the person who you wouldn't think is an angry person, that's me. The one who when everyone thinks I have it all together, I snap usually at the wrong time in the wrong place for the wrong reasons. I know someone would say that's just me but it's not just me, I was programmed, by "man" that way. I don't think anyone is truly just angry by nature I know I am not and each day it is a struggle to make it through without fighting down that feeling of frustration and anger to make it through the entire day without just screaming at everyone about every little thing. I didn't have to search far to find this picture on the internet, this is what I feel like inside probably 85% of the time, I just don't express it. I get frustrated with a situation and it builds, mostly because I don't find a way to get it out in a positive environment. Then, believe it or not, I actually have feelings of delusion. Those moments when I can actually assess, playout in mind and have the entire conversation or agrument with myself, essentially. That's when it draws to anger. And the screaming person above becomes me inside. The feeling that no matter what happens this day it is going to be a bad day and everyone is on the chopping board!!! I depise this person, I fight every day to oppress (notice I say oppress) this person. So "she" comes out in other ways. I have fought a long time to be 'me' not that being me is hard to anyone looking in but it is. Have you ever just tried to be you? It's hard. I am not a pretty middle aged (augh) woman. I'm not witty or overly smart, I struggle to be "girlie", which I am not and never have been, and I find that more and more I am faced with being me. And, like most women, I dwell on things of the past and focus on things that I need to control in the future. "Therefore do not worry about tomrrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus was taking about worrying (Matt 6:34) when he said these words. "Do not worry about tomorrow." I read this many months ago and even highlighted it to remember that it meant something then to means more today. God did not design me to be frustrated, delusional, or angry. He designed me for Him and only Him. My life has designed and structured my frustration and anger to match what my circumstances in my life has produced, or more to the point what I have allowed those circumstances to produce. "Do not worry about tomorrow", I believe these words mean more than just what they say. I believe in more than just words Jesus was saying "I got tomorrow taken care of already, I want to you live for the now, the today. Let me worry and handle tomorrow. I already have seen what is coming, I already know your way out, don't worry."
It took a little longer to find this picture, but this is what I want to look like on the inside every day. This is who I want to be, not worried about every moment and day, not frustrated or concerned about tomorrow. If I can get there when frustation starts to build and I start having those delusional conversations that lead to anger, this is what I want to see in my spirit and soul. Me praising God! He can see it even if no one else can but if I can be this inside, maybe just maybe, I can be this on the outside.