Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Filling the "Spot"

Did you ever do the marble in the jar experiment in school? I don't remember exactly but I think it was in 5th grade. The one where the teacher puts a jar full of marbles on her desk and asks if the jar is full...and we all said "yes". Then she added beebees and they filtered through the marbles finding little holes and spaces to fit..WOW we were surprised. Is it full?...our response "yes". Again she takes out a bag of sand and pours it over the marble, beebee mix and it sifts down and finds more spots to fill through the jar. Again we are amazed, is it full? Well by now it has to be, right? And once more, the teacher takes a glass of water and pours it over the mixture, the water filters through the jar and fills the jar up to the top. It is full? Yes, now it is full the water covered every possible place that air could be and nothing else could fit. I think as a member of the class I was really impressed with the experiment, it made me see something that wasn't visible right off the bat. The jar of marbles looked full, like nothing else could fit but yet three other items fit easily in the jar.

Our lives are very similar, we, humans, walk around looking for something to fill up that spot in our life. The hole or spot seems to be like a teenage boy with a endless stomach, no matter what you feed it it just keeps eating. A lot of 'things' make up that hole and try to fill up that hole. I have no other way to describe the hole that was in my life except like a hole in a tree burrowed out by bees or some small animal. It was there and I couldn't close it up and it was dark, I couldn't see into it and I couldn't fill it up. The hole kept eating stuff too, things kind of stuff. Anything that I could throw into it to satisfy it I would throw there, almost to the point of frustration. I did many many things in my life that I am not proud of, nor am I meant to forget them, I have been forgiven of them but they are part of my life for a reason. They were the 'things' I used to fill up my spot or hole. Those things ranged from running from my marriage to bringing horses to my home during a drought (oddly probably the last straw). The more I did or got the more the spot wanted .... "feed me seymour" is all I can hear (little laugh there). But that's exactly what it was like, feed me, feed me, feed're not satisfied, feed me. Why did allow this spot or hole control my life? Because I didn't have what I needed to fill it up...water.

In John 7:38 Jesus said "Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him." What does that mean? What water? Where is this water? Well these are all questions that I had when I first started hearing God speak to me about changing my life and to stop trying to fill that spot. I mean I wanted to know why I had to do this for God, who says I have to be filled with this "water"? Well that question consumed my life for about a year, and what I found was I was empty, very, very empty. All the things...horses, house, land, children, career, stuff....all those things weren't filling me up, I thought those things were what I needed. Until......Until, I was asked to give something up. I was asked to give up control, power, and authority in our family to Lee, my husband. I was asked to get rid of horses because, among other things, 'we' couldn't afford them. Well my first question was why? My answer, because I asked you to do this for Me. That's all I could get, "because I asked you to for Me". So I let horses go, something that I hated but hid very well; then I let go of money authority..augh; then I was asked to follow and let God fill me up with His "living water". I have no desire to want anything, not really, not anything that I couldn't live without anyway.
The "desires" that I tried to fill my life with weren't cutting the mustard, the spot just wanted more and more until I couldn't see the end. The "things" were slowly killing me, not physically but emotionally. I was pulling away from my family and filling those spots with other things. I can't even begin to tell anyone how much I have changed and how much I don't want to have things fill my spot, I only need the living water of Christ. What I had to loose before is unknown. My question to you is what do you have to loose in allowing Christ to fill your spot?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

A Leap of Faith

Have you ever wondered what those words actually mean? I have, I mean I have heard them in my life probably more than a 1000 times but what do they actually mean. A couple friend of ours just entered into parenthood. A great and godly couple who were more excited about a child than I can ever remember being about my three pregnancies. They are full of just enthusiasium and happiness that I see in them that leap of faith. Walking into the unknown without a care in the world just going forward and making things work. I guess we all did it at one time or most of us will make that leap of faith at least once in our life time. I didn't see being a parent as a leap of faith almost 18 yrs ago when it all began, today I am getting my son ready for college, ready to go out into the real world and face unknown obstacles and trials that I will only be able to help with when I am needed.... a leap of faith.
I am starting another leap of faith, I guess God is not satisfied with just little "hops" in my life. I recently had an amazing tear down in my life, God tore down a wall between me and Him last week, one that I didn't even know was there. A wall that was blocking a lot of love, relief, passion and faith. In Matthew 17:20 Jesus said "Because of the littleness of your faith, for truly I say to you, I you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this moutnain, 'move from here to there' and it will move.." I said one time that I didn't think our faith came from us, that all we had to hae was faith of a little amount and God would do the rest. I didn't know then that I was speaking a truth. I didn't have the faith in God to let the wall I had built around my life be taken apart. God was just another figure in my life who wanted authority over me and a week ago I wouldn't have been saying this, but today I know now that I didn't want the authority because of lack of trust and faith I had in Him. It took all summer for me to get here, all summer of me feeling like God wasn't listening and He just wasn't around me to get to this place. I kept searching for my faith when I really should be searching and seeking God and Jesus and the faith that is a mustard seed will be enough.
So I ask you, what are you seeking? Are you 'force feeding' yourself faith? Or are you seaching out God? A leap of faith isn't what it sounds like, it's really not a leap at all just one step toward God and in that one step forward a 1000 backward steps are forgotten.