Friday, September 24, 2010


Have you ever been asked to pray for someone? That person, a friend, family member or acquaintance, is having a problem or issue and they ask you to pray for their situation? I have and like a good friend I would say yes and then in some none prayerful moment, when they crossed my mind, I would ask God to give that person strength. That was prayer to me, mostly because I was much to busy to do any sit down praying. But as I got started moving along in my walk with Christ I started spending time talking to Him and really asking for his protection and help over those who would ask me for prayer. I can say that over the past 5 months that prayer life that I worked so diligently to create and mould has dwindled away to almost nothing except the occasional outburst or statement of fact toward God. And I have written in the past about praying and prayer so I'm not totally lost on the prayer life factor, it has however become a 'job', a 'work' that I do not strive for or strive to accomplish.

Last week, yes last week, I read a blog that I have been following for the love of a horse and like in the past, I am stealing something from his blog. Mind you, I do not know this person, I have never met him, I only follow his blog because he details the past of the Arabian horse of which I love to read. Last week, he had "Push" on his blog, so as interested as I am I had to read it (curiosity didn't only kill the cat - it lured the cat first). So I began reading about the writers friend who was dealing with what she thought was an old and sick horse. How all of her attempts to fix it had led to an act of desperation to call a horse communicator (the only thing I can tell you - since I have never heard of this type of person - is that there are people called "horse whisperers and I think this 'communicator falls into that category). Even more interested, I dove deeper into the blog. This communicator couldn't get any response or feel for the older sick horse but in the midst of the field a yearling filly came running up to her with, apparently, a lot to say. So the communicator asked the filly about the old and sick mare and without hesitation the filly responded "oh you mean the praying mare". The communicator asked the filly what she meant and in quick response, and I can only equate this to a child who would instantly respond to a question, the filly said "she prays all the time, alone and apart from the rest of the heard, and she prays that the evil spirits that are attacking her owner are not successful and that He will keep her owner safe." I have always had animals and when I was about 12 received my first horse, so I have become in-tune with them knowing that something is wrong with them by the way they act or don't act in the field, at feeding time, and other small thing that they tell me by their body language. This is the first time I have ever heard anything like this communicator heard from this young filly. And it made me start looking in my pasture at my mares, and I remembered noting over the past summer, that one of them would be off alone without the other 2, grazing and not really caring what the other 2 were doing, and I thought the 2 together were being mean to the one. After reading this blog, I wonder how much praying they were doing? I wonder if, for some reason, they know that in this house is a sad spirit that moved in 5 months ago? And I wonder if the one's separateness was not driven separateness but intentional separateness? In Romans 12:12 Paul tells believers "be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer". I don't know who he was talking to and I don't know that it matters. I do know that these are words that have escaped my life and have become a struggle. But in the midst of this struggle and lack of joy, patience and prayer, I wonder if the mares I spent so much time with in the pasture have taken that responsibility upon themselves? I know you're thinking I'm crazy!! But why? Why would it be so different for a pet, that loves me, to ask God, whom I believe they know, for protection?

In Matthew 6:6 Jesus is talking and tells His followers "But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." I know that this is relating to people not being 'hypocrates' and showing off but I wonder, somewhere in my heart, if my horses have not done just this? They have no room but by separating themselves they are, in essence, alone and in secret, praying. I can, with all parts of my spirit, believe this; I was not reading that particular blog for something to do at night but delaying going to work that morning. And I believe, to some extent, that God was trying to tell me that someone was praying for me that was closer to me than I thought. And you may not believe it and you don't have to believe. But I do, I see one of my mares off and alone and I look at them differently now. I don't start fretting that something is wrong or there has been a clique formed but that maybe just maybe that one mare is doing something for me. Maybe they are being faithful in prayer for me, someone that they love, when I can not be faithful. So call me crazy, nuts, coocoo, and odd; don't believe that my pets have the connection with God that I missed; but I ask you, what are your pets doing that is stricking a concern in you? What are you looking at that they are doing differently? I bet, and more now without much doubt, that they are taking up a position of prayer that you may not have right now. A position with thier God too and asking for your protection in a time when you can not ask. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Crazy Life

I have had a crazy life, you don't believe me, well I wouldn't either but I'm living it...still. The reason for this title is because my girls have got me hooked on Michael Buble's Everything it he calls life crazy and then tells the woman he's singing for that she's his everything. That's exactly what my life is, crazy, not just in times but the whole thing. I never really had a permanent home, not until 9th gade. We moved all over the place growing up. When I semi-grew up, I got married, actually that's not true. I got pregnant first then got married. Remember I said crazy life, I apparently didn't do anything the correct way was a learning experience of life in happening. We, Lee and I, had times where we didn't know what we were going to eat, when we were going to have money, how we were going to feed Kaleb and then, came Jennifer. And shortly after her, Sydney. More craziness!! And if you don't think having 3 children under age 4 is craziness, believe me - don't try it for yourself. So on the surface that doesn't sound sounds like life. But being inside of it is crazy at the time, now looking back at that craziness, I wouldn't have missed that for anything.

Now, in this place it seems our family is at, we are in a crazy life. I don't know how the girls are doing, not really, truth be told I've been avoiding that part of my motherly duties. But for me and Lee, I think our life looks exactly like this direction, or if there is we don't know which way to go. Just as soon as it seems like its suppose to be a left turn, a road sign goes up and I'm on the wrong road. I started something this week, Grief Share, and I'm not liking it because the book asks me to detail my grief. And so I have but seeing this picture, this is what my grief looks like, total craziness and confusion. And I've been in craziness and confusion before but not like this, not where it seems like every way is the wrong way. And I read something this morning, Jesus talking to Peter about Peter's betrayal. He says 'Satan wants to sift you like wheat and I have prayed for you that your faith will not fail." (Luke 22:31) I've read this before but not in the context that I was given this morning. This morning I read craziness and confusion instead of "sift". I never eally understood this verse or what Jesus was telling Peter and I may be completely wrong on this but I think that Jesus was telling Peter that Satan was asking but he was doing at the same time. Peter didn't understand that in his moments of wanting to be faithful in words, he was being confused and made to feel like the things he was being told were crazy. And when I look at this, I think that is what my life is - sifting. Just like when I take a hand sifter and put flour in it, I stir it up that is what is happening in my life. Sometimes the sifter is just steadily sifting and all is ok, the road signs are clear and then someone goes and uses their hand to beat the side of the sifter to make it go faster and the pain, confusion, anger, and loss of faith fill my life.
I wonder, and hope, that Jesus is praying for me like he did for Peter because praying isn't something I do much of anymore. It seems right now a waste or lost effort, something that was a direction that now is just blocked from me taking that road. So in my place of confusion and craziness, and I need to find something that is the song, the words, the lines, everything, I find Lee. Somewhere in the midst of all thist confusion I can find Jesus too sometimes, not often, but sometimes and I get a glimpse of Him. I don't know what He's doing but I hope He's praying. Don't you?

Friday, September 17, 2010

Bland Faith

I saw this saying on a page I was on this morning, a columnist for USA Today used it in describing the "peace" between Christians and scientist. And out of curiosity I had to read the article because of these 2 words (naturally I was curious wouldn't you be). The columnist states his opinion that science and believers have come to a unsettled peace because of believers "bland faith" (this from a non-believer - became very interesting). And, truth be told after reading the article, I kind of believe the columnist. How do I live my faith? How do I feel in my faith? Do I trust in my faith? Or is it just something that I like to say I have? Right now, I believe it is something I just say I have, or maybe had at one time. But how is my faith or was my faith? Was it bland? Or was it alive, full of flavor and real to those around me? I found this picture of God making the earth and us, and I thought it interesting that His quote is "And just to make things interesting..." as He is adding "jerks" seasoning to this world. Kind of funny when you look at huh?!! I thought so and then I thought, seasoning huh. I wonder if God looks at my life as bland? Day to day? No excitement, no life, no taste, no faith .... just bland.

So without thinking this morning about this set of words, and before I actually saw them, I read 1Sam 3:18 "....He is the Lord, let Him do what is good in His eyes." I had never read 1 Samuel and I needed to know more, more about what this one sentence meant and why. This is Eli, the prophet talking to Samuel, a young student of his, after Samuel had a vision of God in the temple. God spoke to Samuel and he heard every word that God spoke telling him about the judgment on Eli's family to come. Eli, of course knew this was coming (I gathered from this chapter) but asked Samuel what God had told him. Eli, being faithful, told Samuel and Eli responded with "He is the Lord, let Him do what is good in His eyes." Eli just said "ok". He knew that judgment was coming on him and his family by God and he said "ok" (totally in our current terms that what he said). That is faith, not bland or unflavored faith, but real faith that he knew that what was to come before he was told by Samuel. It was acceptance of something that he had no control over.... "ok".

For Eli and Samuel I think their faith was more than alive and real, I mean they were prophets and had visions of God, they spoke his actual words and watched them get fulfilled. And they had no idea where or what was to happen to them personally but they did what God told them to anyway. When I read 1Sam 3:18 and in the state of mind that I have been in for a week or more I didn't hear or see anything. I especially didn't say 'ok' or see 'ok whatever You say'. But then I saw the article with those 2 words - bland faith- and wondered if this is what I have, bland faith. No taste faith, no seasoning faith. And I went back and re-read 1Sam 3:18 and I got a little more, but this time it was like this comic of man talking to his dog..... And it made me think that this is exactly what bland faith is....God talking to us in words that we hear as blah, blah, blah, Theresa, blah, blah blah blah.....Theresa, blah blah blah. This is what I've been hearing; a lot of blah and in the midst of it my name being said then some more blah. And I know that I've been struggling with faith lately and so this is not a surprise to me but more of a revelation. That the one thing that I need to have or desire to have if faith, strength in my faith, and a surface faith that is full of seasoning and I see bland faith.

I want and desire more than anything to not live blandly, to live like Samuel did totally blind of himself and full of faith. To become a seasoning with more spice and taste than I have or had, to know that my faith is not bland and yet I know, deep down, it is and will be for a while. So I wonder if I will get to the place of faith that I was at before April 24th, 2010? And I wonder when it will happen that I can hear more than 'blah blah blah blah Theresa' from God? Maybe like Samuel I need to let Him know that I'm willing to hear Him, that's all the advise the Eli gave Samuel. Maybe that's what I'm not doing, saying "tell me what You want me to hear". Until this morning I'd never heard the 2 words 'bland' and 'faith' together; I'd never read 1Sam anything; and I haven't been asking to hear what God has to say. Am I ready to say "ok, you are the Lord" and "let whatever happens be what You seem to be good"? Not completely, not yet. But like Samuel, who thought Eli was calling him through the "blah, blah, blah's", I want that faith to say "tell me what You have to say because I'm listening". Bland faith is more than just 2 words thrown together to create an oxymoron, altho they make a good one, they are a truth that I don't want to hear. A truth that I know and didn't want to believe.............Ok God, I'm listening what do you have to say. I may not like it, as a matter of fact I won't and don't like it before You even say it, but I want to hear You. What do you have to say?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Ode to October

It's close you know, the coming fall, the brisk nights are on edge
they clammer against the warmer days building slowly their cooling hedge.
And when the morning breeze blows, the fall begins to ebb
flowing away in the sunlite days the bring the warmth instead.
This is just the beginning moments, the glimpses of your fall
winding slowly through the plains then mountains with trees so tall.
Your flow is more than any can stop, is more than any can cease
and yet in all that comes and goes, the warm summer days decrease.
You push your way no matter what tempest blows
telling all your plans ahead by the trace of leaves that glow.
And when your nippy nights come fully, you do not delay your stay
you bring with more than coolness, you carry on your wind a sad, long day.
For as your brisk winds travel this way, a day of worry is settling fast
waiting to bring to me a rememberance of those things not to be and things of past,
and in that fleeting moment, the day will come and I will fall to your cold heart
not knowing what is to happen or how I am to play on thru this part.
So here I beg and hope your heart will change, to ask for you to hold your way
but on I beg to wind and breeze and you came forth without delay.
And just like every breezy day, you moved thru here as tho there was no reason to wait
on you went, your regular way, and took no charge to my heart sad and faint.
Now with few days to go to your end, I ask for you to pass this on to those behind you
hold your presence and delay your inward move, give us a rest, us weary few.

Friday, September 10, 2010

The Lies

I was never a good liar, which was probably a good thing for me looking back, but when I was in the moment of lying it wasn't so good in my view. I would stand with my fingers crossed behind my back and think that would cure everything and I would be able to get away with the white lie that was being planned in my head and would soon come out of my mouth. I would, inevitably, begin to smile or laugh when I was younger and as I got older that trait turned to dismay and anger, offense that the person I was lying to would call me a liar; even tho it was true. Lies would be part of me in many fashions - words, actions, in my mind when I was thinking about something-literally anything- and they would play out in my real life. Why? Well because, I think, like most people (not all) I believed that I was due something that I didn't get. What? I have no idea but I truly believe that was the reason for my continual, habitual lying when I was another person. That part of my life, in the recent past, has changed, thankfully (and on a side note aren't you, my friends and family, thankful too). But just in the past week, I heard a song that the lyrics, the chorus, says "I love the way you lie". If you haven't heard it its an Eminem with Rhianna song, word of warning if you want to hear it, you can go to youtube and watch the video its very good but the lyrics from Eminem are filled with 'f-bombs' (I think actually 3) and some other colorful language. But the song, after looking up the words and watching the video and researching where the song came frome, is at its core about physical abuse. Mostly a song that Eminem wrote about his marriage with his ex-wife Kim and their elongated, abusive relationship, and how, after several times of trying to make it work without abuse in that relationship, he (and I undestand Kim too) would lie to the other about no more abuse the next time. The song is very pointed to this type of relationship. For those of you wondering, no I'm not in an abusive relationship or a bad relationship...thought I should clear that up.

So why this song? Why this title? Well, I know the lyrics but this morning, get this, during my devotionals, this song came to mind, actually the chorus came to mind. I am, to some degree still myself. This song is about abuse and lying, and it held a different meaning to me. It is, in essence the lying of me to me. When the words "i love the way you lie" come to mind, I think of the perverbial abused woman who continually returns to the abuser. When I heard these words this morning, playing on in my head, I thought of the internal me, the one that lies to me about who I am, what is happening around me, why things are the way they are, and in essense I listen to that inner me...loving the way it lies to me. David wrote about lies he believed in Psalms, if you read it David goes from joy to fear to anger to happiness to distress to relief and on and on. In Psl 41 David says "I have waited patiently for the Lord, he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." This wasn't always David's prayer or words; throughout his time of being 'on the run'-so to speak- David finds himselft in a lot of places where he doesn't believe that God is listening or working for his good. I bet David, during these times, was living in the lies he heard from his inner self and those who told him of rumors from afar by his enemy. This passage is a promise from God to David, one that I have found in the past few weeks or month, and I wonder if it is real, wonder if it is true. I believe that in the midst of David's struggles and distress, when he would hear a blessing or promise, he believed it without haste. I also believe David went thru, after this promise, many different emotions and anguish during his trials, so the inner lies did not stop or cease during the small flashes of promises.

I'm still living in the lies, even tho they don't come out of my mouth, they still are part of my life. They live in the inner me telling me the things that I don't want to believe but love to hear, they take over when I struggle to shut the voice up, and they continue even in moments of living in a promise. I don't think this is bad, I think it is where I'm at right now, walking thru durations of lies with moments of promises that don't last long. But in the midst of the durations, somewhere in the middle of the lies that I love to hear, I know that the promise of being lifted out of the "slimy pit" "mud" and "mire" is true, even tho the lies out wiegh the fleeting moments of promises, the promise is still there.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Last Post

So I sometimes go back and re-read what I write just to remember the place I was at in that moment, what was happening at that time to write those words. Well, yesterday in my last post, I felt like I was struggling thru it but when I re-read what I wrote I thought "what in the world!" And after reading it I wanted to delete it from the page and thought better. I remembe things that I want to remember, things that I don't always want to remember, and things that have no business being in my memory bank. But the words that I put on this page or in my written journal seem to flow like I'm not the one writing, and so the last post stays. And I remember in this post that when I look back, which I am doing more often then looking forward, I am reminded that I can't always see directly behind me. I remember when I used to put pictures up on my blogs and am trying to get back to that mostly because pictures tell a story that can't be put in words. Like this one, one of my favorite, a horse looking over its back. Horses can see all the way around them except directly in front and right down the middle of their back and directly behind them, so they turn their heads, like this guy (or girl), to look behind them. They check for their herd to make sue everyone is ok and close and they check for danger from behind. I, and I'm sure you do to, do this only differently. I check behind to see what I missed, what mistakes I've made, what I regretted doing or not doing, so I check behing me. I check to see if the path that I took is full of grass and pastures, flowers and towering trees of life or if it that path is sand and dirt with only my footprints winding endlessly to the point I am standing. I check.

In all this checking, I find myself lost in what I did or might have done, what I didn't do and what I wish I had taken the opportunity to do. And I forget that I'm still walking forward, see unlike horses I can't see where I'm going with one eye and check behind with the other, so I find myself stumbling and that is where I was with yesterday's post-stumbling. I desire more than anything to be free from looking behind and that causes stress, concern, and the unwanted desire to look behind. My fear of doing the same thing over, more than likely the wrong thing, has set me up for the look-back, look over my shoulder, turn around mentality in my mind (and that is truly where it is - in my mind). And, in this struggle of looking back, which it is, I am finding more mistakes in my life than good; more regrets than accomplishments; these are part of the look-back clause. I find all the tiny mishaps, mistakes, regrets and dwell on them, like a fine mistake in a forced blog (i.e. yesterdays) to find a way to discredit the doing. I read something this morning that took me by suprise, and brought on this look-back, in Matthew (Matt 13:3-8). Jesus was talking to a group of people and like He did, all in stories, He said "...a farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun cam up, the plants wee scorched, and they withered because they ahd no root. Other seed fell among thorns which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop...." I bet you're thinking what does this have to do with looking back because I did and then I re-read it (ahh the look-back). I wonder how the farmer in this parable knew what happened to all of the seed he scattered? The only way he could have known was to look-back over his shoulder to see the birds, to go back once he was finished and see the seed that fell on rocks and in thorns, to nurture the seed that landed where he wanted to be and make it grow. He had to look-back, go back, but he didn't re-do. I know that this parable is talking about the seed of life, the nurturing of faith and how one takes that from the sower but to me it talked about looking back.

I see the things that I did that landed on good soil (so to speak) I see those things every day when I get up and when I go to bed. I see the things too, looking back, that I did that landed in hard, unforgiving rocks and thorns, and those things are still there because they are things that I did in my life that I regret doing, or not doing correctly. So I still look back, just like the farmer and his crops. I see now that those looking back moments are ok, they let me see something that I should have seen the first time I traveled that path, but I can't change I handled those moments but I can learn from them. Learn that the little things are just little and don't need my attention when they want to be big problems; learn that even tho I have worked my life for a career, I don't have to let that career be my life; learn that the moments that I spend laughing with my husband and children were moments that out weigh the split seconds of not laughing; learn that friends are friends no matter what and are always a part of my life no matter how far away. And I would like to think that in those moments are like the farmers seeds that fell on good soil. So what does my look-back path look like? I don't know but I hope that it looks something like this path, full of tall trees that flourished through hardship, winds of storms, and forest fires; lush grass that edge the narrow path that I chose but clear enough for my children to see that there was distruction off to the sides but clearing when I stayed true to what as needed to be nurtured and that which fell on good ground. Do you look back? I bet you do. I wonder what your path looks like? I wonder what you think your path looks like? When I started this writing, this picture wasn't what I saw but I think it's what God sees. Maybe I need to adjust the crane of my neck to look over my back, maybe you do too.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Draw....

When I heard this word this morning (figuratively I mean), I didn't think immediately of 'drawing' or to 'draw' like I'm sure you did when you saw the title. Actually what I heard was from old movies where mothers and fathers tell their children to 'go draw some water' for dinner. Strangely odd that came to mind for me and not lets draw something for mom. And its not like I grew up in the netherlands of nowheresville and had a well to 'draw' from, so this was odd to me that this word brought up a memory from old movies. The second thought was 'draw your gun and shoot' again from old westerns that I have no true memory of...well except for Gunsmoke at the beginning when you see the sheriff's boots walking in the street and a quick turn and shoot from his trusty gun tied diligently to his leg. Now after hearing those two thoughts the word draw has a lot more meaning than what it sounds like at first. Its funny how a word that in our life means one thing actually holds more meaning in other ways then we gave it credit for or wanted to acknowledge.

I draw from a lot of things and people, I draw emotions from places that are tucked away in my mind and when they come to the surface, not unlike that bucket from a well, the bring a new round of hurt, confusion, anger, frustation, and often those draws bring smiles, joy, and laughter. I draw toward people for something that I long for in them that is not in me. Strength from friends and Lee, humor that only we could get from past memories, commrodery over frustration, and the list goes. I draw from that well regularly it seems and when the bucket hits the light the emotion and memory brings a wealth of the water that I did not necessarily want to receive. Truth be told, I don't even know how or when the drawing takes place but once one bucket makes it to the surface a wealth of other buckets are hot on its tail. I've been working at drawing from another place too. Working in a struggle to draw from a place that is of comfort and peace. This well has been much harder to draw from, mostly because I hesitate. Why? I'm not sure but I do, and then the drawing becomes a job a work of labor that I fail and walk away from quickly. This well is deep and is, right now, hard for me to get to and even tho I struggle with it, I desire to find and draw from it. This place, this well is where comfort and peace live continually. Where understanding and need to know are put to rest and I can just dwell. And yet I struggle with this draw, struggle to find a way to get the bucket over the well edge, because I am struggling to believe and have faith that this well will provide those few things the draw is harder. Jesus said "...the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life" (John 4:14). And honestly, I believe His words, even tho I struggle with the well I believe those words He spoke and they make the drawing much harder. If this well is a spring of life, I am, I'm sure, suppose to live thru this time and in this time to be something more for someone outside of my life to get water from this well inside of me....Follow? As difficult as it is for me to see this, I want it to be true and full because there in that well bucket comes peace and comfort. There in that well bucket comes the things that I long for and struggle to get on my own. So the draw now has meaning that it didn't have at the beginning, it has a destination, a goal, a focal point, and not an end, it has a place in my life today and someone's future. The draw, not of a gun, but of that well water longing to be pulled from the deep into life. Where is your well? And who is it meant for? I'm still waiting for my answers and struggling with the draw from this well that is calling but I will struggle and hope the draw will be fulfilling, will you?

Friday, September 3, 2010

Pictures and Portions

I have never liked taking pictures, not ever. I do whatever I can do to stay away from being pictured. Why? Well, I've never thought myself pretty and so in light of that, I avoid pictures. I am to say the least, not a girlie girl, never have been so to me when I am asked to take a picture, I have to work to be who I'm not. In reflection, when I see pictures of me, I find flaws, mistakes, and someone who really doesn't remind me of .... me. So avoiding pictures is me. BUT, I love to take pictures!!! Love to take pictures of anyone doing anything at anytime. I especially like to take pictures of my kids doing things that they probably wouldn't be pictured doing. My aunt took pictures of all of us kids growing up - when we were sleeping! That was her favorite to set up some crazy scene with us sleeping and take pictures. And, I inherited that act of craziness from her...actually I think I took it but we'll call it inherited. So throughout the lives of my kids and family I have pictures from Lee smiling crazy from behind a Redskins baseball cap to Kaleb playing under the kitchen sink (no worries there was nothing under it) to Jenn playing her first game of T-ball to Syd dancing on the beach (you can imagine everything in between). Pictures of my life.
Pictures have become a reflection for me too, they have become a sight of the past that, in retrospect, shows my portion in life. These pictures show lives of my children that I have forgotten, sections of the portion that I been blessed to live through that I, in the busyness of life, have forgotten happened. Pictures of Lee, Kaleb and I when we first moved into our first home. Pictures of Jenn in a walker and Kaleb throwing fall leaves on her in my Mom's front yard. Pictures of Kaleb, Jenn and Syd on Bobbi's front yard at Easter. Pictures of Lee and Kaleb in Dotty's kitchen when Lee first realized Kaleb was 5'10" (7th grade). Pictures of Jenn and Syd in the car going who knows where. Pictures that reflect the portion of my life that was fulfilled and I feel as tho I missed when looking at them now.
David wrote about his portion, altho I'm sure he didn't have pictures to reflect on during this time. Davis wrote in Psalms 16:5-6 "Lord you have assigned me my portion and my cup, you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, surely I have a delightful inheritance." Odd that David writes these words in the midst of anguish, pain, fear, and fleeing. I wonder, alot, if David actually believed what he said? I wonder if somewhere in the back of his mind he had doubts that he was surely going to be killed and the words he said were just words to comfort him? Don't you? "Lord you have assigned me my portion" looking at David's life it doesn't sound like he had a good portion all the time. I know that my portion doesn't seem at all fair, or something I wanted to have assigned to me. "Boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places" Yea right? I mean really...pleasant places??? Where, I think, I'm not sure, but David was speaking from a land of his enemy in a cave, doesn't sound to pleasant to me. I don't remember where the pleasant places in my days are, altho I find the off and on in the pictures I see. And somewhere in the middle of David's flight he saw a "delightful inheritance". I don't know what that inheritance would be and I don't think David did either.
I don't see that my portion is pleasant and I don't know how to find that pleasant place again, but I do know at the end of this long winded blog, that I have a delightful inheritance. An inheritance that started with an unexpected pregnancy and will end with two beautiful girls fulfilling a legacy that started in an undesired way. I hope that one day those pleasant places reappear; I hope that my portion is now and today and not only in pictures but in the day at hand; but in all of this I know that my inheritance is delightful, even thru pictures that cause reflection and pain, the inheritance will be more than I expected. Maybe yours will be too. Maybe in this time you are in, you can't see the pleasant places in the cave, and your portion isn't what you want, but at the end the place that you can't quite see yet, your inheritance will be delightful.