Friday, July 26, 2013

Growed Up

I love hearing my husband say things like "growed up" or "whore-dee-vors" (i.e. hors d'oeuvres); its definitely horrible english but its funny and our kids used to ask "what is that?" when he would say those words or use those words and phrases. And off and on, I'll ask "look at you all growed up"....of which my daughters return "yep". If you have children, you know that the growth process seems to take forever, then one day you get up and realize that they are all growed up. This week, in training for an endurance ride in a month, a friend, who as been riding a older mare or a growed up mare, decided that she needed to bring her younger horse up and use her instead. I have written about this little mare before, when she was with me she and I didn't always see eye to eye. Although she would do as I asked, go where I directed and act like I expected, there was always a hint of us not quite making a connection (not to unlike a teeanger!).  On her first training ride out, and for the first time ever, she bucked my friend...twice. I didn't catch the first act but heard my friend's voice and knew what was going on. The little mare, while willing to a degree, apparently decided she wasn't so willing...although she is 14 she definitely was acting un-growed up!

Last night looking back at Wednesdays ride, I realized something, the mare's actions had nothing to do with her age but her growness (how about that for a non-word!). Not to unlike the picture of the foal, the mare just decided she was wanting to do her thing. Foals are full of adventure and playing, they run and buck at will when they want to do what they want to and sometimes look like the picture of this little foal.
John 21:18 "very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself, and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your arms and someone else will dress you and lead you where you don't want to go." Just so we are clear, I am fully aware that when Jesus was speaking here he was talking to Peter and telling Peter about his death and how that death will happen. But, when I remembered this scripture was yesterday morning, after our first training ride with the up and coming mare, and for the life of me I couldn't remember where to find it (thank you God for google!).  But, last night on our second training night, the little mare whom my friend and I expected to run from her to go, didn't run; she stood quietly in the pasture, accepted the halter, loaded easy as pie, stood at the trailer quietly, and went last night as though this was truly old hat. What a different little mare in 24 hrs, wouldn't you agree? So again this morning, the scripture was egging at me, and I found what I was looking for - a message about being growed up.  Isn't it amazing how God uses something to direct you somewhere? Because last night, that little mare looked something more like the picture of older horses doing what they are directed to do, going the direction that they are told, and without the buck. She was dressed and lead to a place she may not want to have originally gone but she went.

It's amazing to me, how God uses things that are in front of me to get a point across, usually a point I don't want to recognize or address. My horses, whether you believe it or not, were intentionally placed in my life. The horses that have come and gone through my life, were intentionally placed there to teach me a lesson. Lucky me! What lesson this time, well that its probably time to be growed up....a thing I definitely want to avoid. Why? Well unlike my children (and me when I was young) who want to be "grown", I want to run from it, hide away from having to be 'growed'. I believe that somewhere in all of us we desire to be un-grown, at least a little bit - go ahead and deny it...I have been for some time. I have stopped 'growing' stopped moving forward, stopped wanting something more. How do I know that? Because God plainly told me that this week - He used a mare to show me something that I am refusing to see. I guess I should say thank you, but I really don't want to; I'd prefer to go back to being and like not knowing I wasn't growing, but something tells me that's not going to happen. Just like the little mare, I am being asked to do something, go somewhere and be someone whom I didn't want to be. I guess my days of being a carefree foal are soon to be over and I should just accept the yoke that's being held for me and follow the One who is leading me.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013


I am not a waiter....I think that's correct, probably not but that's what it is now! And I don't mean like a waiter in a restaurant, I mean a waiter! Someone who can wait in long lines for tickets, they are waiters; people who can wait for something to happen, they are waiters; me not so much a waiter. I usually want it to happen -like yesterday - and as time rises to whatever it happens to be I'm waiting for...I get antsier and antsier.  For those of you who know me, you are probably thinking...'what you?! no!' I know a revelation huh?! :) Soooo for those of you who do know me it will come as no surprise that standing in my pasture are two horses that can not wait either. Both are great horses but neither can just wait..of which someone was kind enough to point out was my fault because I am not calm and tranquil...thank you for that revelation! Horses, as many of you know, are a great part of my life, they were a salvation from a history that was less then favorable and less than wanting. And, most of you who know horses also know that they are waiters in the sense that I am not.  Knowing this, I googled 'horses standing in the rain' for pictures, and I was surprised to find horses running in the rain, playing in the rain, etc. Why a surprise? Because horses don't do that; they will move forward under saddle in the rain, but horses in a pasture or in the wild will stand, butts to the wind driven rain, heads down until the rain passes....they wait.

Usually my horses can't wait to get to go wherever it is so that they can get back to their older mare, Raychel, has been my job mare, my endurance partner for a long time and she loves to go and go for a long time....she's great at it and generally she can not wait to go down the trail as the out timer calls seconds to "trail open". It's almost as tho she can completely understand what is being said, when in reality Raychel can tell by me, by my hands, my body language, my anticipation to not be able to wait. She is anticipating my every move, motion, direction, and she responds to it almost on the moment, ok sometimes before the moment. I, however, do not have someone on my back telling me to 'hold on' and 'wait' for me to tell you when to do something....or do I? Romans 8:25 "We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become and the more joyful our expectancy." (MSG) "But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." (NIV) Ok so my analogy of someone on my back telling me to 'wait' was a very poor description but it kind of feels that way.....that God is telling me to wait for Him, and I am constantly jigging in place, balling up by body to burst away in anticipation for .....what! I am not a good waiter, I am not a good  stand in place and hold on kind of person, so standing around does not sit well with me. Come on you're probably exactly the same way, you're just not willing to admit it. Why? Probably because you don't know what you are waiting for yet, or you haven't had a hope so large that you are ready for it to come to fruition so you can see it, or maybe because you are so grown in Christ that waiting is just something you do well....I hope one day to be that way...or do I? Or am I suppose to be that way? Every scripture that tells someone or me to wait, I always think what great disciples and people of Christ...and then there's always one or two who are not waiters, they want it now! Like right now! Maybe I'm one of those people, a non-waiter.

I'm not by any means ready to put my head down in the storm and wait it to pass, the storm that I am in is a struggle of spirit and mind, it is a storm that I can't stand to wait out. Even tho He says to wait patiently for what I hope for...I just can't do it. Unlike a horse, I can't stand in the storm with my back to it, head down, and wait for it to pass and provide green grass...that's really what they are waiting for ;), the grass.  Have I tried? Well not really, but every time an attempt is made, my body stays in motion....I'm not ready to just be a waiter and I don't know that I'm suppose to be a waiter. Am I waiting for confirmation on that, yes. Every part of my being is going, my mind, my body, my spirit, and waiting becomes a hindrance and brings with it depression.  Unlike my wise horses, who stop in the rain, turn away from its force and waits it out, I run into it....never to my avail and usually to my demise and yet I do it. I hope to be a waiter one day, a waiter for what I hope for, a waiter for the things that should be what I'm striving toward, a waiter on Christ...I just don't think that I'm there, not yet.