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Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Distance

When I was in high school I used to run long distance and cross-country (I know hard to believe now huh?). But that was something, the one thing that I could do with diligence and not worry about who was winning or if someone was behind me because I had a goal, a mark in front of me to get to and it was a race of my own; I didn't have to race anyone else. It was amazing just being alone (or with a friend) and just getting to finish a race. Today, for me and endurance riding, it's the same thing. I don't race to win I race to get to a mark that is ahead of me somewhere. If I ride with a friend and talk great, if I pass a couple people that's ok, but the ultimate goal is to reach that outlying mark that says "you've finished - you made it". I love that feeling of accomplishment, that feeling of 'yes I did it'. Its refreshing, no matter how tired I am at the end, I love that feeling of I finally made it, without injury or problems, I made it. And, even in the midst of pain, dehydration, lack of food, and mostly sweat, I have happy-full of joy at that small meanless accomplishment to everyone else but a feat to me.

I've been trying to find that feeling in my personal and spiritual life again, that feeling of accomplishment of full joy, and honestly I haven't located it yet. I had it for a small glimpse of my life, I had found it, I held on to it and the joy and peace that ran thru my life and heart was amazing. Then, 2months ago, I lost it, my heart was crushed and the peace and joy I had struggled for most of my life to find slipped away. I still have glimpses of that period of my life, short inconsistent glimpses but they disappear quickly. Doctors and friends say that its a lack of endorphins in my mind, a sign of depression...and I believe that but I believe more that its just a lack of a cheerful heart. In Proverbs 17:22 God says " A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirite dries up the bones." That is how it actually feels. My crushed spirit has begun to dry up my bones, and I can feel and see the affect in my life and the affect of my crushed spirit in the lives of my husband and daughters. So how do I get back to that cheerful heart and when can I have it again? I don't know and I've stopped speculating because the harder I speculate and set a date for that mark in the future that I'm trying to find (not just run toward) the more elusive it becomes - I personally think its moving.

There are, unfortunately, things that I can do to get to that mark more quickly. Like - talk to God tell him how I feel and because He already knows, well it should be easy...right? Not!!! So I look for comfort in other things, trying to find the way back to the peace that God offered for a short time. And you would think that in all the words that God provides us He would be able to show me where it is that I can get to this place of peace and joy again....and He does. I just ignore it with the best of them. Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." When? Huh? When does this happen? Because I'm ready to be healed up, I'm ready to have my wounds bound and sealed...so when does it happen? Well it doesn't just happen. Its like becoming a follower of Jesus Christ there is no "aha" moment and all of a sudden everything is perfect. The healing comes in phases, parts, moments, seconds, milaseconds, and even smaller amounts. And it comes with seeking out God, something that - even tho I can write these words- doesn't seem like I'm doing it...I'm just going thru the motions of doing it.

So I run, the race that I used to love has become a distorted path of weeds, brush and thickets and yet I run toward some unknown mark in the future. My crushed spirit drying up my thristy bones looking for a moment of that cheerful heart I had for a fleeting moment; waiting for the time when my brokenheart will be healed and the wounds will be sealed, and I do all this hoping that I am running toward the right mark. Toward the mark that is Jesus, the mark that I once found and followed, the mark that seems to elude me.

I don't know where this is going, I don't even know why I started writing this to tell you the truth except to express my fear and anger and anguish. But in this somewhere above, God it there, I don't know where but He is (I guess). So I wonder what it is that you are running toward? What caused you to loose the mark you were running toward? I know what mine was now and in the past, I know, and that is half the battle knowing.... Getting out and thru the thickets and how I do that, that's the other half. I hope I'm on the right track, the other one is much longer and darker. Which one are you on?

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