Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Purge It!

That's right those of you who will read this post, purge it, and I do mean this emphatically! Why? Well mostly because I believe that every once in a while you just got to purge stuff - any stuff, all stuff, some stuff, most stuff, whatever it is, this is THE PURGE!!!!

You might be or might not be interested how I came along this idea but since I don't know your state of thinking I'm going to share (I bet you want to run now!). Last week, I indulged in something that I generally do not do and as a result of this indulgence, I was forced to 'purge' my stuff right out of me.  Unfortunately, this particular indulgence carried over to a friend who, like me, spent most of the night (and the next day) purging the indulgence away.  And like most things that just seem to pop into my head, the word purge came to me at around 5:30 A.M on Saturday morning - and like most things that just come to me, I haven't been able to get the word, the commonality, the direction, the whatever it is, purged from my mind.  So here I am, writing about it - so hunker down, this might not be what you want to read.

I looked up the word 'purge' in the dictionary and was surprised to read the definition. Merriam-Webster defines purge  as 1a: to clear of guilt; b. to free from moral or ceremonial defilement; 2a. to cause evacuation from (as in bowels). There are other definitions beyond these but I stopped here. I found myself intrigued by the definition and how it related to my physical position last week and how I related to the words that were in the definition and I was surprised how Merriam-Webster defined the word. Who would have thought the first definition would be to 'clear of guilt' followed by 'to free from moral or ceremonial defilement'.....I don't know about you but, yay! I couldn't resist with looking up this word so I went on to a word that I thought would be synonym - remove. It's kind of odd you'd think that these two words are similar enough to hold a similarity in their would be wrong. Merriam-Webster defines remove as 1a. to change a location, position, or residence; transfer from one court to another; 2. to move by lifting; dismiss from office; 4. to get rid of. Ok so that didn't work out for me as well as I had originally planned! I'm guessing the same is true for you.  I am far from perfect and last week when the purge was needed at that time of indulgence beyond desire, I had to remove those things from within that were causing the undesired purge. And as I was going through this not so pleasant  purging and removal process, I wondered why I was being subjected to time in my life when I didn't desire for such type of removal. I have and still am quite desperately moving through the horrible process of grieving over the loss of my son and his friend; still going through the motions of 'being ok' and I wonder how do I get through this more quickly, how to remove it from my life. I've asked myself and God this hundreds of times with no response, well not really. I have asked for this to be removed from me and to be wakened from the long dream of the past 2 years, with no compliance or notion of rewind. And the thought of the god that I love who did nothing to reverse the situation brings anger and distress, fear and insecurity to my life. What was going on at that time that He didn't respond? Where was my miracle? I have tried to compare my feelings with those of the Bible, the anger that David had toward God where he continually yelled at him throughout his flight away from Saul. The unbelievable courage and love that Job resounded through all that was taken and destroyed of his by the  non-movement of God. The knowledge of pending death by Jesus when He asked "Father, remove this cup from me."(Luke 22:42) And I have failed to truly fit into those characters, truly missed the mark. I have yet to purge my life of the fear, insecurity, distress, anger, etc, that rules my days. I still have those moments when all else has failed and I am just mad at the loss that two families suffered on the same day. I am by all means unable to purge those emotions, unable to get rid of them, and I have yet to have this cup removed.

I wonder if there are others like me? You who are out there unable to purge away the things that have caused the place you now find yourself. I wonder if you too have asked, in not so many words, to have the cup removed from you, with nothing but deafening silence to follow. And I wonder why us? Why at this time in our life have we been given such a cup that He will not remove from us? And no matter how much we beg, plead, sweat, run from, hide from, blurt it out, or sit with it, we are unable to find a way to purge it from our lives.  I don't believe it is acceptance, although those who counsel would disagree. I do believe that this is a time of drawing, either to or from Him, in our own ways we are drawing in some direction. I believe that this will not be purged or removed from us, for no other reason than if it were to be removed, it would already be done. And I don't know the answer to getting to the point of removal of this place and I don't know that being removed will ever happen. I do believe that this is my cup, maybe yours too, and removal is a something that does not lie in the balance. "Father, remove this cup from me." 

Thursday, February 9, 2012


I wonder sometimes how it is that Hansel and Gretel left crumbs of bread on a trail so they could find their way home? I mean, obviously it didn't work, but why crumbs? They had to have known, at least a little bit, that birds and other animals would eat the crumbs that lead the way out, didn't they? Well who knows maybe not-but I can only assume that since they were raised in a forest they had to have some common knowledge about that kind of thing, or at least I would hope so. And yes it seems that a fairy-tale is the bread of my blog today (haha! like that punn!). I do have to confess to you that even if you read this once in a while or look for something written everyday, I do not find the things to write about. I have tried to find things and have forced writing sometimes but in truth, the things that I write here are not my words. If they were mine, I would write about things that I find and want to write about, instead.....I'm writing about Hansel and Gretel...and crumbs.

I was surprised when I started writing the first sentence that Hansel and Gretel came out, I had no idea that this is how I would begin but in reality, it makes sense to me and it will to you shortly. I pulled out my devotionals today, first time in a while, and had two things stand out, one was part of a verse...Matt 15:23 " Jesus did not answer a word..." Well I had to know what the story was behind this statement from Matthew. So I read Matt 15:23-28, a story I have read before, and so have you. It's about a Canaanite woman with a sick daughter, and she is continually begging Jesus to heal her daughter, even tho she takes care of her dogs first and foremost. She is criticized about this, chastised by Christ for giving her dog bread before her children. Her response "Yes...but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master's table." Hummm, kind of an odd statement to rebut being chastised; but Jesus answers her back saying "Woman! You have great faith. Your request is granted!" Crumbs...that was her answer, crumbs and He just gave her what she wanted. Who knew that something so little would get a gift so great....crumbs.

I wonder how much faith it takes to get a gift like this one from Christ? I wonder how much faith I have to have in order to get a healing of great worth? All through Christ's days He says faith just needs to be small; as small as a mustard seed to move mountains, as small as a crumb to get healing, small. And yet, I wonder how small is that faith? How small? I mean I can see a mustard seed and crumbs, so how small. Small enough for someone to be able to see but not discern what it is? Small enough that when trouble comes, He is the first one you run too? Small enough that no one else knows its there? How small is small!???!!!  I would say I don't know the answer, I do know, however, how it feels to have Him not answer.  Some people call this feeling a 'dry season' a 'season of pursuing faith', a 'season of reflection'. I call it a season of crap-yep there you have it, I said it! I don't know the answer to my questions and I probably never, never will know the answer. I thought that faith was something seen by only Him and that He measured your faith. But through these years of doubt and dryness, I have found that others see my faith, or more pointedly lack of it in their eyes. I don't know how small, small actually is but I do know what 'no answer' is. It is the silence that comes when I scream for a gift and none comes; it is the silence that echos in the room when I can't sleep; it is the inevitable sound that I once knew, then walked away from, and has now returned.  How small of a crumb is needed to receive a gift for Him? I don't know. But I do know this, my faith is small, sometimes so small that I don't even know it exists. My faith is weak and it is hidden well in me, where most can not see it and I'm sure He would have to look hard to find. My faith is faltering and there are things that cause me to stumble continually in the sight of those around me. And He does not answer every time I beg, plead, or bargain. But I am standing on a crumb, a small and fine morsel of faith, hidden as it may be, I am standing on it. I hope that all this silence is just a passing moment and soon I will know that my crumb has not been scavenged by dogs waiting for a morsel from their master. I stand on my crumb, sometimes faltering, sometimes wavering, and sometimes hiding it and I hope that He sees how great I want my faith to be in His sight. Just a crumb, that's all that is needed.