Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Be blessed oh ye, Daughter of the Wind.

What a cool saying!!! "Be blessed oh ye Daughter of the Wind." If it weren't for me being a total Arabian horsewoman, this saying would mean alot, but being a horsewoman of horses of the desert, this saying means several things to me. I have always had a soft place in my heart for horses and when I was 12 I saw my first Arabian horse, up close and in person. It was an experience I will never forget. He was a 12 yr old grey gelding, rode by a friend of mine about a mile away and he loved his owner. That's when the experience became real to me and I began reading about the Arabian horse. From every magazine I could get my hands on to every book written by Walter Farley about his infamous Black Stallion. Then when I was 14, we moved back to Michigan and my mom met a woman at work who had horses and was friends with a woman, Rhoda, who had Arabians. I began my journey with horses in hand that summer.

While I would do anything from clean stalls and feed (40+ horses), be a helper at riding summer camps, and do everything in between to be able to ride any horse at all, I was partial to mares. Mares, if you are not a horse person, have a unique attitude and personality. They will become your best friend and in an instant not be afraid to take off on you when you least expect it. And I loved that about them. The Arabian horse is much different, they are born from the desert and for centuries they lived in tents with their bedouine owners (more commonly referred to as partners). The Arabian horse has a streak of humanity in them that connects to the person. Mares, above all, were prized higher by the bedouine's than the stallions. Mare were the heritage of their herd an the prize of thier tribe. So in a long line of history the Arabian horse became part of the person, connecting and being part of the tribe/family.

Be blessed oh ye Daughter of the Wind is a saying from the bedouine tribes from centuries and years past. The 'Daughter of the Wind', the mare, is a blessed and loved creature. They are bold and daring, will take any stand and go anywhere their partner directs. They will continue on a goal to their death (if you are not careful to make sure they take care of themselve). Be blessed oh ye Daughter of the Wind. This is much like my life. I, in my own persona, am a daughter of the wind. Constantly moving, never resting, once I find a place to be part of something (family, friendship, love, etc), I give it my heart and would do anything to protect that facit of my life. I run without direction, sometimes, and I am steady and will continue a course without regard for my body or health (thank God for my husand Lee who keeps me healthy). And sometimes, I take off when it is least expected. I know many of these types of women, many Daughters of the Wind who are restless but heart giving without regard for their own life. I am friends with many of them. And just like the Arabian mares that live in my front yard (and Princess), these women are friends for life, they would stand with me thru anything giving their heart to a course that they may not be able to see or understand, they are Daughters of the Wind.

I believe that in some of us Daughters we are given those hearts to endure and continue, to go ahead and be the link in the family for whatever reason God knew that these Daughters would be head-strong and bold, heart-giving, loving and committed to the families and friends where we are placed. We would be the Daughters would would do anything at a moments notice without question or regard for our own life and yet, on occassion, 'take off' on a fleeting idea. And with that knowledge and foresight, He placed us in groups-circles of Daughters just like us. Friends and family members who are just the same but different backgrounds, faces, nationalities, looks, and lives but still Daughters of the Wind. And like the Wind we Daughters are fast moving when needed but still and calm, never changing when required. We are Daughters of the Wind, the Wind of the Almighty brought together with one common thread that may take a lifetime to draw us near together but a thread that will not break, divert or pull apart. So I write this long blog in honor of my friends, Daughters, who I have met and hold dear. Daughters who are just as devoted and loving as my Arabian mares who will stand with me when I am crazy and going to take off, and who will no matter what be on the phone when I need to talk or cry, and will pray with me when I am out of the wind in the still motionless day.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Weak in Strength

I consider myself a pretty physically strong person, for an almost 40 yr old woman that is! I can lift and move hay, 50 lb feed bags, etc, etc....but in truth I struggle to stay physically strong and I am not bodily suited for a strong frame so it becomes much more difficult for me to stay strong. But in sight of my physical weaknesses, I will struggle and stay busy attempting to stay strong and 'hang' with the men in physical work. Something I am not good at is sitting still and watching...go figure!

But now, lately, I struggle with strength of mind, body and soul, the three things that keep you up and running every morning. The things that give you the spice of life, they are weak and just want to sit and do nothing....and you can imagine the struggle in my body to keep moving when the entire body wants to stay put on the couch. So in the physical and metaphysical, I feel weak struggling to stay moving in some direction. Then I got a book from a friend, a daily devotional book that I got yesterday in the mail (actually Saturday but I didn't open it until yesterday) and I opened it to June 27th. "The Lord hath sent strenght for thee." Ps.68:28. I was more than curious to read the devotion. Even tho this scripture is small and short, the writter took "The Lord is my strength" and gave it a different ending 5 times, the last one reads like this- "The Lord is my strength to sit still. And how difficult is the attainment! Do we not often say to one another, in seasons when we are compelled to be quiet, "If only I could do something!" When the child is ill, and the mother stands by in comparative impotence, how severe is the test! But to do nothing, just to sit stil and wait, requires tremendous strength. The Lord is my strength."

I took this devotional very much to heart because not being still is one of my greatest abilities. I can pull anyone thru anything just by locking the circumstance, situation, or obstacle out of my mind and just move thru it and take whoever is in need with me. That is who I am and what I do. Sitting still not my strong point! And yet I find that I am sitting still, even with all the moving and doing, I am sitting still; "stuck" in the words of a good friend. So the deliverance of the scripture at Ps 68:28 was light to me. The light that I am ok just sitting still now matter how much moving I do, it is in strength (altho it looks like weakness to me) that I am "stuck" and can't get out, and it is His strength that is allowing me to stay put and not run away from the situation or circumstance. Do I still cloud my mind to get thru the situation and circumstances I am in? Yes. Is that ok? Well, I don't know but it gets me thru the day physically even tho metaphysically and spiritually I am sitting still.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Haaa the Highlighter!

I am a highlighter kind of girl. When I read something that stands out, I whip out my handy-dandy highlighter and mark away. It's my way of going back and finding the things that were important to me at that time (I'm not so much of a note taker as a highlighter). This morning I was looking thru Lee's bible (because 2 yrs ago I was using it) and went thru some of the highlighted and underlined scriptures. The ones that at some point in my journey have stuck out, spoke to me, directed me. Why? Well because I'm at a loss as to who to pursue God right now and this was a cheap-cheating way to find something that I might remember or might have clung to at sometime. Well it didn't actually work as 'tada' as I wanted but I did find some things that reached out to me at one time.

Psalms 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation...The Lord it the stronghold in my life."
Psalms 62:5-7 "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge."
Psalms 62: 11 & 12 "One thing God has spoke, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving...."
Psalms 143:1, 3, 4 "O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulnes and righteouness come to my relief. ..The enemy pursues me, he cruses me to the ground; he makes me dwell in my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed."

I wasn't looking for anything in particular, just rereading all my highlighted scriptures and when I came across these I remembered them clearly and why they were important to me at that time in the past. Psalms 27:1 was something I found in searching for a way to believe. I wasn't always a believer and at one time in my life (a long time ago), I walked away from God. I was so angry with Him and the life I had that I just stopped believing in Him. When we started going to church again, I started looking for anything that would give me a reason to believe-something to stand on. Psalms 27:1 was one of those scriptures where God just opened my eyes to see Him. This passage (which is what it is a passage to God's strength) was a life line, a life saver for me.
Psalms 62 (both passages) were ones that I came across when Lee and I were taking Experiencing God at church. I was having issues with making God my banner, the one thing that made me who I am. So once again, I researched - read- dug down to find anything that would change my perspective and allow God to be my banner. These scriptures made it alive for me, they made God the one thing that I could put on my life and in my life and no one could take that away from me. God is my hope, my refuge, my salvation, my rock, I depend on Him, He is loving and stong.

And Psalms 143, I remember being mad all the time, anger ran my life and I saw things thru the anger that I held onto. This scripture was actually gun powder for me in an outside matter and quickly became a mirror for me (the perverbial plank in the eye). I had allowed a stonghold in my life to control my life that the enemy was mastering. This passage was my cry to God for help, relief, and it helped and relieved me from the burden that I held (notice I say I held).

So what do all of these mean to me....alot. I 'know' God is my salvation, but my stronghold is being battered down. I 'know' that He is loving and strong, but I don't know where He is right now. The enemy is literally crushing me, the stronghold and safety I once had is being torn apart because I am allowing it to be torn down. I am no stronger now than I was in the past but I feel weaker, with less strength, and the banner isn't waving in the wind anymore. I found relief and comfort, a stronghold and refuge in these passages in the past, but I believe now more than ever that they were meant for me today. I don't have a stronghold in God, not right now (having some anger issues) but I did and I hope and struggle to find it again. I cry out alot to Him because of the enemies weight in my life and right now there is little relief, but I hope that one day I can have it again. It eludes me today, I believe it moves but its more likely that I am moving away from it. He is constant and steady, faithful and straight, and I want that faith and steadiness once again. So what do these passages mean to me today...they are my light (small as it may be), they are my guide to Him, the constant, steady light ahead.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Distance

When I was in high school I used to run long distance and cross-country (I know hard to believe now huh?). But that was something, the one thing that I could do with diligence and not worry about who was winning or if someone was behind me because I had a goal, a mark in front of me to get to and it was a race of my own; I didn't have to race anyone else. It was amazing just being alone (or with a friend) and just getting to finish a race. Today, for me and endurance riding, it's the same thing. I don't race to win I race to get to a mark that is ahead of me somewhere. If I ride with a friend and talk great, if I pass a couple people that's ok, but the ultimate goal is to reach that outlying mark that says "you've finished - you made it". I love that feeling of accomplishment, that feeling of 'yes I did it'. Its refreshing, no matter how tired I am at the end, I love that feeling of I finally made it, without injury or problems, I made it. And, even in the midst of pain, dehydration, lack of food, and mostly sweat, I have happy-full of joy at that small meanless accomplishment to everyone else but a feat to me.

I've been trying to find that feeling in my personal and spiritual life again, that feeling of accomplishment of full joy, and honestly I haven't located it yet. I had it for a small glimpse of my life, I had found it, I held on to it and the joy and peace that ran thru my life and heart was amazing. Then, 2months ago, I lost it, my heart was crushed and the peace and joy I had struggled for most of my life to find slipped away. I still have glimpses of that period of my life, short inconsistent glimpses but they disappear quickly. Doctors and friends say that its a lack of endorphins in my mind, a sign of depression...and I believe that but I believe more that its just a lack of a cheerful heart. In Proverbs 17:22 God says " A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirite dries up the bones." That is how it actually feels. My crushed spirit has begun to dry up my bones, and I can feel and see the affect in my life and the affect of my crushed spirit in the lives of my husband and daughters. So how do I get back to that cheerful heart and when can I have it again? I don't know and I've stopped speculating because the harder I speculate and set a date for that mark in the future that I'm trying to find (not just run toward) the more elusive it becomes - I personally think its moving.

There are, unfortunately, things that I can do to get to that mark more quickly. Like - talk to God tell him how I feel and because He already knows, well it should be easy...right? Not!!! So I look for comfort in other things, trying to find the way back to the peace that God offered for a short time. And you would think that in all the words that God provides us He would be able to show me where it is that I can get to this place of peace and joy again....and He does. I just ignore it with the best of them. Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." When? Huh? When does this happen? Because I'm ready to be healed up, I'm ready to have my wounds bound and when does it happen? Well it doesn't just happen. Its like becoming a follower of Jesus Christ there is no "aha" moment and all of a sudden everything is perfect. The healing comes in phases, parts, moments, seconds, milaseconds, and even smaller amounts. And it comes with seeking out God, something that - even tho I can write these words- doesn't seem like I'm doing it...I'm just going thru the motions of doing it.

So I run, the race that I used to love has become a distorted path of weeds, brush and thickets and yet I run toward some unknown mark in the future. My crushed spirit drying up my thristy bones looking for a moment of that cheerful heart I had for a fleeting moment; waiting for the time when my brokenheart will be healed and the wounds will be sealed, and I do all this hoping that I am running toward the right mark. Toward the mark that is Jesus, the mark that I once found and followed, the mark that seems to elude me.

I don't know where this is going, I don't even know why I started writing this to tell you the truth except to express my fear and anger and anguish. But in this somewhere above, God it there, I don't know where but He is (I guess). So I wonder what it is that you are running toward? What caused you to loose the mark you were running toward? I know what mine was now and in the past, I know, and that is half the battle knowing.... Getting out and thru the thickets and how I do that, that's the other half. I hope I'm on the right track, the other one is much longer and darker. Which one are you on?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


I remember being a child and constantly asking my mom "when are we leaving?" "when are we gonna be there?" "when can I have dessert?" When, when, when. And I remember clearly my children doing the same thing when they were younger...actually I take that back, they still do the "when" all the time. So if you are holding out hope that your children are going to stop the when, when, can stop because it doesn't happen.

I believe that we always ask when, its natural curiosity, natural part of our life to want to know when. The same is true for our spiritual life, we want to know when do we get all the answers? When do we really stop sinning? When does God really forgive us? When are we going to see Jesus? And for all the scholars, scientists, and etc, etc, etc, they don't allow the when to just be a quesstion. They go looking for the when and then provide to the remaining population an educated guess to answer the when. (Just for the record that educated guess is usually wrong.)

This week I have been feeling the weight of an unforgiving heart, something that over the past 2yrs has been heavily worked on by God, but as of late that unforgiving heart has been overpowering. Along with that unforgiving heart comes the relentless mind, playing out scenarios of fights in my head, words I would use and, shamefully, probably say. And I wondered the other day 'when will I be able to have a forgiving heart?' and 'when it happens will God be able to forgive me of those things that I said, did, or thought?' Then yesterday I went to buy some cards and was driving a friends car and she had a CD in and at the time when I least wanted to hear a message, Joyce Meyer provided a message to my 'when'. She said open your bibles to Isaiah 38:17 "......In your love, you have kept me from the pit of distruction; you put all my sins behind your back." The when was answered in one sentence. The when was mentioned in one small verse that broke into to 2 paraphrase sentences. Do you see the when? When I asked Christ to come into my life, when I acknowledged that God was true and real, when I became a believer and follower of Jesus Christ, God took all my sins and put them behind His back-as though He would never turn around, they were gone. I struggle with my mind, I struggle with anger and an unforgiving heart towards people... truth be told, I always have. And lately, my anger, thoughts, and unforgiving heart have found a reason to control my situation... and I have allowed them to take over. But in all that is happening, I heard a short reminder that God still loves me, He saved me, and even though I am not searching Him out, He waits for me. The when struck me yesterday, God knows my heart, Christ sits with me when I cry and feels my anguish, and when my unforgiving heart and rampaging mind takes over, I know that when I ask God to forgive those thoughts, things, moments, He will put them behind His back as though thats where they should have been all along. The when is already answered.

Friday, June 18, 2010


I am from the north, for those of you who don't know, and we northerners usually us the lingo 'dad' or 'pop' for the loving way we call our father. When I moved to North Carolina, I was amazed at how many adult (older than me) women called the father's 'daddy'. I was actually taken aback because its was a little creepy to be honest. Then someone explained to me that in the south that is very common for women to call their father 'daddy' and their mother 'mother' (note - my mom takes that offensively to some degree me calling her mother because its a way to get her attention and not affection). Yesterday morning on my way to work I heard a radio commentater talk about being a father and what role that held in the home. Whether it is in a marriage with children a solid foundation home, or one where the parents are not married or have been divorced, it didn't matter the role of being a father was still the same. (Don't be mistaken the commentater did not discard mother's he was just speaking in relation to Father's Day.) Then he said something interesting...he said 'God gave us (men) His name, Father. And with that comes a responsibility to hold up to His name.' I found that very interesting and profound at that moment because until then I had never related the two together. So this morning, got up fed, did all my usual stuff, and looked up 'father' on I was amazed at how many times "father" is spoke in the bible, I know I shouldn't have been but I was. I guess because I am used to reading that word in scripture it never really meant anything other than "father". But this morning in searching out 'father', I came across Gal 4:6 (I came across because I am lazy and not really reading my bible - honesty!) and it reads "Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out "Abba" Father." I've never really read this scripture but this morning it struck me and spoke to me. This year I will not be sending a Father's Day card to my dad because he passed away in September of 2009, I realized for the first time that in the future, I will not send a Father's Day card to my son because we lost him in April of this year. And I am heartbroken over those realizations. But still I have a Father one who gave His name to my husband, a man who's girls call him every variation of the word father, and he holds up to that God given name. So I honor Lee - father of my children - with this blog. He is the man who blesses me every day with kind words and kisses. He is he man who cares of his children and spends time with them - even on the couch playing Mario Brothers. He is the man that God gave to me to raise our children. And he is the man who will always be a father, dad, padre, friend, to so many children outside of this house. He is an inspiration to those at his work who have commended him and used his wisdom in raising their own children. He is a strength that I will never have. He is father given to us in this family by the Father, to hold us in his hands and protect us from enemies and he is loved.
So I ask what do you call your father? Now it doesn't matter to me that adult women call their father 'daddy', I somewhat wish I had done that sometimes. And remember when you say 'dad', 'daddy', 'pop', 'father' whatever it is, God gave him that name, His name, to hold a responsibility to you and his family, through his God given name 'father'.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Blurry Vision

I hate the eye doctor especially when they dialate your eyes and then give you those funky glasses to where that are sooooo becoming that people have no choice but to look at you. I really dispise not being able to see clearly. This coming from one of the most unblind, blind people you will ever meet. I can not see without my glasses, I mean can not see at all. When the word blurry comes to mind think of me tryng to see 5 feet in front of me without glasses. For those of you who have never worn glasses or had to wear glasses, its like getting up in the morning to a heavy, heavy fog and trying to see through it...things are quite clear but you can kind of make out shapes and things. That's what its like to have to wear glasses or contacts, things never are really clear without them.

So when I feel like not wearing my glasses (more often than not), I find myself squinting and trying to make out things and get where I'm going (in my yard or house not in a vehicle) and usually hit a door, stub my toe, trip (my favorite) or find the wrong thing. That's how I feel right now, that is what my life kind of feels like to me, like I'm walking without my glasses. Trying to work through life without a set direction or reason why to go in that direction. And for whatever reason, I'm content with just fumbling around in the blurriness. But about 7 weeks ago a very loving friend sent me an email that said "Daughter, Make ME your focal point as you move through this day. Just as a spinning ballerina must keep turning her eyes to a given point to keep her balance, so must you keep returning your focus to Me. Circumstances are in flux and the world seems to be whirling around you. The only way to keep your balance is to fix your eyes on Me, the One who never changes. If you gaze to long at your circumstances, you will become dizzy and confused. Look to Me, refreshing yourself in My presences, and your steps will be steady and sure." This email came to me in a moment when I was (and still am) very grief stricken. I still am fumbling in the fog and loosing my balance because I, the me, me, is sustaining me not my faith. I know this because I am familiar with this part of my life, I spent - or recognize- 30 + years of being me. Reacting to the circumstance and situations around me, allowing my mouth to run amuck without control and to be angry with no regret. I see that person rising again, coming to life in a way to protect my heart and the real life that I am in, I see her rising again. The question becomes, do I want that? Do I want that life again? Right this moment, my answer is yes. It was easy to allow myself to control the situations and to build up walls and harbor in my life.

The real answer is that deep deep down I feel a stirring that I am running from (quite effectively running from too by the way), and the pursuit is becoming heated. I know because I had to stop this race before, I remember the way it felt to realize that I was running from the One person who could break the cycle and yet I am in that race again. I want to make this stop, I desire clarity and focus without blurriness and fog. Then why can't I gt there? Why is this so difficult to release and allow to become clear? Because like most things, I want a direct answer (thats me the direct answer girl). I want the why, reason, and plan laid out in front of me. Unfortunately, and like most things with "the plan", thats not what I get (or we get). We get to see for a moment a glimpse of the plan surrounded in humanly circumstances that over power the ultimate goal. Therein lies the real answer, the answer that I know I need but don't want...."trust". I don't know when the stirring I have deep inside will overpower the real me...I don't know when I will begin to focus solely on the One person who can answer my questions, even in time and not now......I don't even know at what point I will allow my words to be real to those around me and not just words. But I do know, that somewhere in the fog of blurry vision He pursues me, He holds me when I am vulnerable, He comforts me when I don't want to be around Him, and He waits for me in my anger and frustration. I guess there is a focal point in the blurriness, I just don't see it clearly .... yet.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


My mom used to tell me "don't do anything half-hearted, if you're going to do it do it with all your heart". I hated that saying just like I hated when she said "if you put want in one hand and s*&@ in the other....which one weighs more" - she used that whenever I wanted something we didn't have the money for...which was most of the time. She also made us, me and my siblings, finish what we started, no matter what it was; if we started it was had to finish it. I didn't like playing the flute (mostly because I'm not musically inclined) but she made me finish the semester of playing in the band, just like sports, clubs, etc, etc, etc. I really didn't like her when she would make me do those things but as an adult I have placed those values in my children. I don't allow them to start and not finish a "thing" that they start, they have to finish or see thru the "thing" to the end. I'm sure that my kids feel the same way about me that I did about my mom as a teenager.

In Matt 22:37 Jesus said "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your mind." You wouldn't think that was very hard would you? I mean it sounds really easy, the words appear very easy to do, and they are pretty plain and simple. But what happens when you realize that what you are doing is not whole? What happens when you wake up on day and realize that you really aren't following these simple, plain instructions? What do you do? Well I believe that most of our leaders, pastors would say "press in" "presevere" "continue". But why? What would that prove? How would that change where you are at in not following the simple instructions from Jesus? Well I bet your waiting for some ah-hah moment, sorry to disappoint you because I am there. I am at the point where I have the realization that I am not following Jesus' simple instructions above and I'm not sure how to give all of my heart, soul and mind to Him. Don't misunderstand, I have been trying to give these parts away, trying to give my soul that feels like a part of it is missing, my mind that is non-stop running different scenarios of the past weeks, and the parts of my heart that is in pieces to Him to no avail. So how do I follow my moms instructions of "don't do it half-hearted"? How to I do what this simple scripture says? I don't know. I don't even know if presevering would be the solution.

What I do know is that its ok to be half-hearted in times of trouble (I don't know how I know that either). I know that even though my heart is not in the presevering mode, the giving mode, the loving mode towards God, He knows how I feel deep down and He is waiting patiently for me to move again. Trouble is the thing in adulthood that changes perspective of faith, it shakes foundations, and trouble - I believe - is the thing that delights in doubt. I have no doubt that I - at least somewhere in my heart, soul and mind - I love God, I just think my distress and anger is overpowering that right now. So how do you get from half-heartness to whole-heartedness? I don't know but I'm hoping that God does and that He is waiting for the half-heartedness back to Him - no matter how long it takes.