Monday, January 18, 2010


Have you ever wanted to have something healed immediately? Like a cut on your face or hand or you have acne and you wish it was healed promptly before a big date. I did a lot in my teen years and more and more in my twenties and some in my thirties. It never happened, I never woke up one morning and all the little nitches and crannies in my face weren't magically gone. It doesn't mean that I never wanted to wake up that way.
What I did find was an escape from myself in words. I would sit down and begin to write down 'stuff' and before long it was a short story or detailed, elaborate poem. Writing became a passion that I didn't have to struggle with anything pouring out of me through a pen or pencil, it came naturally.
So what on earth does my wishful thinking for healing and my passion for words have to do with each other, well, nothing at first look but when you look at them together "healing words" they mean something. Those two words together hold meaning. They hold hope. They hold stability. Why? Well, when I needed healing I asked for myself in a selfish, desire that just didn't cut it. Wishful thinking didn't make anything happen except..wishful thinking. And my words didn't go anywhere except on paper. I never shared them with anyone and when I did the general response wasn't what I had expected...again wishful thinking. But, when God says " attention to what I say, listen to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart, for they are life to those to find them and health to a man's whole body." (Prov. 4:20-22). Powerful, strong and secure. This simple easy passage has the ideas of my life wrapped into three versus "listen to my words"...."health to a man's whole body". Everything that is needed in two parts of these versus. God's Healings Words. So what do the words at the beginning of my blog mean.....everything.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Not Sure?

Have you ever had any doubt about any one thing? Had concerns that the thing you were concerned about was going to get worse or...better? I feel that way a lot of the time and most of the time I just struggle with sleep, struggle with focus, and struggle with what to do or who to talk to about the concern. Most of the time, and I say this without hesitation, I don't do anything, I fight with the doubt, get angry, snappy, short, etc, and then bury it under the the surface of my life. Ok probably not the best solution but it has been the solution.
This week, I was faced with something that I hope Lee and I handled correctly. Our son, Kaleb, asked to bring a friend home to live with us. At first I hesitated and then said yes for a couple of days. I prayed about this situation, this young woman, girl really, has made horrible life altering decisions and has created more and more problems in her family life that have been expontentially compounded. In silence I was praying for confirmation and direction from God, waiting for some amazing sign from Him that said "DO THIS!!!" Well that didn't exactly happen, actually that didn't happen at all. What did happen was for three days, at different times during those days, I recalled the scriptures about taking care of widows and orphans. Now I couldn't begin to tell you where that scripture is, have no idea what how to find it (besides a search engine on the internet), and don't know all the context of this scripture. And, to add to that insecurity, this young woman isn't technically an orphan; she's 18, legally an adult! So now what...How did I feel about this concern that entered into our family life. I asked everyone I feel close to, to pray for us and our decision to allow her to live with us and to resolve her relationship with her parents.
Today, we met with her and her parents in our home for what Lee and I had hoped to be a resolving beginning. What we thought was incorrect. What we learned was that we had a very angry couple in our home and they had very little good to say about this child that was sitting in our living room. DOUBT!! Great, I began to doubt our decision, I began to worry about our decision to allow her to move into our home and into our life. DOUBT. In the chair across from me, Lee's body language represented - anger, distrust, misbelief -what was the outcome going to be..DOUBT. The "meeting" ended with her mother leaving and not looking to find an agreement with getting this young girl to a place of stability, while her stepfather, agreed that she was in a safe environment and where they knew where she was and what was happening. But yet doubt lingered in my mind.
Things quickly changed when Lee said that he was getting p**&&^$ about the past things that were being once again thrown in the the arena instead of what needed to happen to make things move in a more forward direction. Not what I was expecting!!. All the doubt that I had lingering around me disappeared and I was stablized by Lee's lead and confidence that we were doing the right thing. There is no doubt in my mind that the Holy Spirit was monitoring our meeting today, we didn't pray and ask for His assistance to intercede, we didn't ask for His presence but there is no doubt that He was present. He gave me the control and calmness that I have never recalled having in any situation in the past, He gave Lee the cool confidence that he needed to assert inconsistancies with the story that was being described. He took control and comforted us in the decision we had made last week. There is no doubt in my mind that God orchestrated this move, there's no doubt in my mind that all the pieces truly don't fit together from the stories and He made them evident.
So what have I learned? Do I still have doubt and concerning moments? Well, I did for a little while this afternoon but the more I talked to Lee and to a friend I am confiding in, the less the doubt resignated in my mind and soul. Doubt is a powerful thing, it can control a situation in the blink of an eye and put you on the defensive but there's a weapon against it...prayer and God!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


I'm not sure exactly where to start. I don't even know why I decided to write this blog. I can say this, I love to tell my husband's testimony. I love to tell everyone about his journey from complete non-believer to absolutely undoubtful believer. And I love to tell people how I saw a man who I knew for 16 years and suddenly changed before my eyes. I laugh sometimes and say "who are you and what did you do with my husband?" And I know his journey, but I have cheated him out of the same joy and excitement regarding my journey because I didn't share all. Why? I don't know except that there was a major change in my family life in the past 4 days, we inherited another child...yep you heard me right. The reason that I feel that I have to set my testimony into the written and then, soon, in the verbal word is because of this child's recent life issues.
While Lee was a non-believer and totally turned around, I was someone who chose to walk away from God; I truly chose to walk away from God in my life. I was angry, inwardly, and walked around like all was ok but I carried with me unforgiveness that dominated my life. I had decided that I couldn't be saved because I couldn't forgive the person in my past that I literally hated. And after Lee accepted Christ as his savior and became this man that was walking totally in faith and love, I became very frustrated and began a fight that was turning my life upside-down. I remember clearly being in a position where I thought and believed I had to chose whether I was going to forgive this person in my past and accept the forgiveness of Christ..or.. not. That was the way I felt and the way the road to salvation appeared to me. Over the course of about 3-4 days I prayed, cried, searched for answers, withdrew from my family life, stiffled my work life, you name it I was struggling with it and it came quickly. I was going to the bottom of the of the barrel and quickly because I couldn't forgive this person in my past so there was no way Christ would forgive me for my sins and short-comings. What was I going to do? I had no idea what to do or where to go to find the answer. Until.....I was reading one day and read Romans 12:19 "Do not repay evil for evil, but give to your enemy with love and you will heap burning coals on his head, for vengence is mine, and I will repay." I was, in all sense of this verse, repaying evil for evil. I wasn't going out and killing people or beating my children or anything that you would normally equate with 'evil' but nonetheless, I was in a way repaying the evil that I suffered with evil toward others. I was holding onto my anger and unforgiveness so hard that it became part of my life and part of my soul. The struggle became when the Spirit of Life, Christ, wanted me and my soul didn't want to give up on the anger that was dominating my life. The fight was on, I had to chose, I had to make a decision of what I wanted my life, for that point forward to be.
What I learned was that God could forgive me because Christ had paid my price for my forgiveness in God's eyes and presence. That didn't meant that I could just say "wow, cool, ok I'm in." That's not the way it goes. My spiritual life had to have a cleaning out of the 'stuff'. I wasn't ready but God knew that when He called me to Him, I didn't know that when I made the decision to believe and follow Christ. I still carried with me the hatred and anger when I accepted Christ as my savior, I still carried it around for months after the Spirit showed, told, and directed me to let go of the anger and hatred I held and allow God to take control of that part of my life, it didn't happen overnight!!! But, after being pushed and moved forward, even in my resistence at some points by avoiding issues, God through his Son and the Spirit moved me to dig through the hatred that I held and allowed me to truly forgive the person from my past as well as bring to the surface that I had held onto anger toward God. Talk about a complete break down of walls, that was a morning full of tears and revelation that I don't think I was really ready for.
I dont' know if anyone reading this, or if anyone is reading this, but I wanted to let you know that you aren't going to walk a perfect, unaffected, unangry life, but you don't have to, not right now. God is fully aware of your anger, unforgiveness, anger, issues, etc, etc, etc. If He's calling you..listen because if He is calling you, He knows your ready to move in the direction to release all of the stuff you have in your soul So I guess my question is, what are you holding onto? And is it stopping you from hearing God's voice?