Forward or Backward?

Forward! Hummm. I don't know, maybe it's backward? Hummm. In a kunundrum of monumental proportion, am I going forward or backward? Sometimes I feel like I have finally went forward but when I take a couple of steps I realize that it was actually backward I was going. So is it forward or backward? I have found that this is how most of my life has been going, me thinking I am going forward and realizing that I was actually going backward. Of course it took 37 years for me to figure this out. Welcome to the race, that seems to be what God said to me in one moment of realization, welcome to the race. That would be the human race. So here all this time I have been living the way I wanted to and thinking that I was going forward and in actuality I was falling farther and farther behind. Things seemed great and were moving really well in a forward motion for me and my family all was good! Then I found out that I wasn't really going forward, all that time I spent thinking that I was in the right place and everything was going in the right direction and just about the time that my mind thought I was in the right place .... my soul and spirit was falling apart. That's when it happened, that's when I turned around and, for lack of better terminology, saw that there were no foot prints from the way I came. Backwards, that's the way I was going. It took a third party to make me realize that, among other things, I was a hateful person. Not by anything this person said to me but by the way this person treated others around them. This person who was a pronounced Christian, someone who had God in their mind, heart and soul...well I was going to find a way to bring them down with their own guide for their life, the Bible. Well needless to say, that quickly back fired on me. God found a person who was just like me to show me that while I was using His Word to fight this person I actually needed to hear it. GREAT!!! Conviction!! At first it wasn't like that though, it was condemnation the wrong thing, the misleading thing that made me feel in adequate. But over the past two weeks, literally, I let go of something that really altered my life. In a matter of a few minutes I was set free. Free from the hatred and anger that was ruling my life. Free by simply letting this great weight be handled by God. What a release and breath of fresh air. Now this doesn't mean that I am different in the way that most people will see me but it does mean that not everything is filtered through that part of my life...FREE! Why is this so important? Why was I going backwards in my life?
Why did it feel like it was forward but not? Why was everything looking good even though it really wasn't? Because I was seeing what I wanted to see and living how I wanted to live instead of living like I was suppose to. Somewhere along the way my soul and spirit started to fall apart, which made me very unstable and overwhelmed. It took almost 16 years of trying to run everything in my marriage for my whole life to catch up with me, or really for me to catch up with what my life should have been. Kind of a refreshing feeling to know that I was "trying" to control when in reality I wasn't, I was right where I was suppose to be according to God in order for Him to wake me up. FORWARD! Forward it is! I now know that forward doesn't feel like control, it feels like trust. Something I was not willing to try, trust. Forward it is. I think I'm going to like this...being in the forward motion, trusting the direction and living for the moment!