All Things?

I loved being a kid, the kid that believed and trusted everyone no matter how much that person might be lying or misleading, I would trust them. I even liked knowing that there was a pattern as I grew up and became a teenager, the fact that school was school from September to June and the teachers knew what to tell you, not entirely an issue of trust but on some level it is. I trusted that they would be in class and give me instruction (even when I didn't like it). And growing up, I learned that trusting is a difficult thing, that's what growing up does to you, makes you synical. I stopped trusting sometime when I was younger, I could tell you approximately when but it really doesn't matter. The fact that I stopped trusting is what matters. And I'm sure somewhere in your life, you had something happen that made you not be so trusting too. Maybe toward a person or type of person, situation or circumstance, but it happened and you have a wall around your heart that secludes you from being all trusting. It's ok, I haven't met an adult yet that totally trusts everyone in every situation for all things, so we're not alone. But on a level deep down, I miss that no fear of trusting, I'm not sure where it went but I do miss it. I miss not being afraid of getting to know someone and being able to be a friend and trust them. I know crazy. You're probably thinking, well you shouldn't trust everyone anyway. Well you're right I shouldn't but everyone, in some way, needs to know that someone gave them a chance. Don't you think that they, just like you deserve an opportunity to be trusted?
I have been building walls again, walls that will stop me from being to close to friends, walls that block who I am from the "real world". And I have found that in all things I am less trusting of even friends I have known for a very long time, people whom I know and who know me, people who I have no reason not to trust, and yet the walls are being built. The opportunities that I want so desperately are being whitled away from my path and I have no real desire to stop the process. No need to want to stop the process actually.
This week, unlike other weeks in the fairly recent past, I have not spent anytime in trying to trust God. Not unlike me in case you don't know me. I find other things that are far more important and far more needy of me than my spirit's desire to seek Him. But I read something from this week that I missed earlier - due to my lack of wanting to do it - and it struck something in me. The story is long but in short it was placed in a time when they had no other means of travel except an oceanliner from Europe to America. The water was socked in with fog and a man on the boat had to make an engagement in Quebec. The captain told him it was an impossible mission, the man said otherwise, he said "my eye is not on the density of the fog, but on the living God, who controls every circumstance of my life." He prays and then the captain goes to kneel and pray and this man tells him "do not pray. First you do not believe He will answer, and second I believe He has, and there is no need whatever for you to pray about it." Kinda egotistical huh! But the man then told the captain to look outside and the fog was gone. The man made his destination on time. Acts 27:25 "I believe God, that it shall be even as it was told me." I believe God. In all things He controls every circumstance of my life, I believe He has..... Total trust in belief that what you ask has already happened. The fog in this story was real but to the captain it was also a fog in his life for not believing God would 'do'.
How do I get through this fog that I am in? How do I believe in all things again? I don't know but I hope (altho I should believe) that God does know, that even tho my heart is untrusting, that I can not believe all things are for His purpose right now, He knows. He knows that somewhere in the path ahead, the walls being built, altho they look like Jericho's walls from the inside, will sometime in the future fall like rubble. He knows, I hope, that when I don't seek and my heart walls are thick somewhere deep inside I am trusting. He knows that the fog is thick right now but soon I will see it clearing and find my way. He knows and I just have to believe.