Fear......

I loved as a teenager and young adult to watch scary movies. I loved the adrenaline rush that I got from being scared to death by some fiction character. The problem that I have with watching scary movies is that my imagination runs wild and when the movie is over the fear continues. Every bump in the night, slight sound or change in the wind,those all set my fear emotion off and I am, needless to say, unable to sleep. And no, watching those movies in the day time does not help either...as a matter of fact that usually makes it worse. So, sometime ago, I stopped watching scary movies in order to preserve my mental capacity. That really hasn't changed me much I still have and feel fearful about things. Mostly because in my head runs what I call the ticker tape... you know the thing at the bottom of a news cast that tells you whats happening in the world that isn't actually news worthy...well I have one and it never shuts off. With any little thing that I could turn into something I should be aware of, the ticker tape starts running. From cleaning the house to major life decisions, the ticker tape can take over my frame of mind and ensue fear. I bet you have one too, you just aren't as aware of it as I am of mine. I don't know anyone who can go thru the day without something triggering a reaction in their mind that starts a ticker tape of fears, issues, resolutions, and maybe conclusions. I just believe that mine is much more prodominant and I am very, very aware of it.

The reason for the title "fear" is because, after a couple of weeks of my ticker tape running and me diligently ignoring or attempting to ignore it, fear has set in. The fear that is similar to the one that I used to feel after watching scary movies. A fear that could be ignored as just a reaction and the same fear that makes me look out the window to make sure no one just drove down the driveway. So fear has set in for me, fear of a lot of things. Fear of not moving from this place in my life, fear that I will not be a good mother to my daughters, fear that I will loose my friend, fear that this is not a test but the way things are always going to be....fear. And with those things that I fear right now, I fear the most that I am loosing this battle with the ticker tape. The ticker tape,unfortunately, is winning the battle in my life, it is taking control of the things that I feel and running amuck with them thru my head and now into my physical life. I have that ticker tape still running in my head, set off by some slipped in piece of a conversation, and now that fear has become real to me. I am afraid of those things listed above about my life, I am so afraid of them that they have become real to me. I see - from my eyes- that I am not moving, that my daughters are far away from me, that I am loosing my friend and that the ticker tape can not be stopped. Fear has truly set in.

Among many things fear gets me because I do not trust many people or for truth hardly anyone at all. Trust has always been an issue for me and has become more of an issue in trusting God since April. So with a half diligent heart, this morning I read in my small book todays date, July 21st, and trust was the focus. So I pulled up my handy dandy crosswalk.com and searched out 'fear'. Why? Because I can not trust thru fear so I have to find a way to reason away the fear that I have and that I allowed to become real. And I came across Paul's words in 1Cor 2:3 where he is talking to believers about his preaching and he said "I came to you in weakness and fear and with much trembling. I know enough about Paul to know that he was changed instantly by the sight of Christ on his way to kill believers and followers of Christ. I know that this man, this soldier of the priests, was once a murderer and in one instant changed his belief. And he was immediately sent out to preach the 'good news'. But he did it clearly without knowledge or self preservation because he says "I came to you in weakness and fear..." I wonder if Paul had a ticker tape in his head telling him that he couldn't talk about God and Christ to others because he had nothing good to offer? I wonder how much fear Paul went thru before he got to trusting God completely? I wish I knew, because then maybe I would have a mark to get thru this fear. Paul I believe did have a ticker tape running in his head, but thru his fear he trusted. These few words only gave me a little peace this morning, the ticker tape-unfortunately- is still running, and I am still feeling very fearful. But I do know now that the fear that I am feeling is ok, its something that I have to feel to work thru to trust and I can move from this place in my life, no matter how slowly, even tho I do it with fear. And I hope, daily I hope, that somewhere in this fear and trembling, that God is moving me without my knowledge. That He is trying to help me stop the ticker tape and I just have to allow Him to do that..thru trust.