Blessings or Heartaches

I have a thing for telling, not asking, for other things. It's the way I have always been and I have, even with some training to curb that part of me, still been very bossy. Yep that's the thing, bossiness (I'm not sure that's even a word, oh well!).I have been pretty bossy these past months - mostly at work - and I haven't regretted words that have escaped my mouth. I really haven't, I thought I would and had this been last summer, I probably would have regretted the escape and went immediately and apologized for my lapse in judgment. But now, I find that I am acting just as though I have always wanted to act. I don't really ask for many things or suggest many things I actually tell or state abruptly the way I see things. Part of me that many of you have never encountered. And I see this 'me' mostly at work, I'm still reserved or under control at home and with friends. The other place that I am bossy is with God, I outright told God that I was not going to continue working at the law firm, I told Him "I'm leaving this job, I don't care if it's what You had planned or not, I'm going." I told Him that and I am sticking to it, I have not asked for His blessing and I don't know if Iwill ask for it (even tho deep in my soul I know I should).

See I was blessed with this career. Even when I didn't believe in God, I was blessed with being fired from a dead-end job and the ability, at the worst possible time to go to school. I got this job on a fluke interview and constant persistence by me to have a job that was Monday thru Friday. And I have been blessed with the ability to work for a business that generally lets me come and go, for the most part, as I please. Those are some of the benefits of having the same job for 11 years. Now I believe in God and know that this job is a blessing for our financial life...but it is heartache for my physical body and mental health. It is daily dealing with the death of a clients loved on, having to talk to people, spouses or children, about their recent loss of their family member and my heart aches with every call or email.

I know from past experience that not all things work out the way I plan them, and this will probably work out for the worst at first. But that is because I have already started formulating a way to make this plan not work, kind of a sabotage of myself. I don't believe it is God showing Himself thru these things, it is truly me sabotaging myself in order to have more heartache. And I know from the past few years that God sheds blessings where I least expect them. Proverbs 10:22 "the blessing of the Lord brings wealth..." Well, I had hoped for a long time for wealth in the financial form and was blessed with a job that pays very well but it miles and miles away from where my children go to school and have their life. I read this verse some time ago and thought yeah! Because we were financially doing very well. I looked up the word 'blessing' today and came across this verse and saw it differently. The word 'wealth' does not mean, to me, financial wealth. I mean it can and it has but on this day it doesn't mean financial wealth, it means wealth of the soul.

God may be looking for me to ask to leave this job that I am in, He maybe waiting for me to realize that I can't do this on my own, which is fine...it may not happen anytime soon but I understand those concepts. And I know that I should be looking for His direction and blessing but right now I am not, and by the way- He's knows that, its not a secret. But this morning when I was looking for something, I don't even know what, Proverbs 10:22 stood out to me. The wealth is not in the money, not anymore, the wealth is in my life and the lives of my children and husband. I've never been a real family focused person, I mean I've been at every event and happening but truly family has not been at the top of my list. Now it means everything to me. So maybe blessings or heartaches shouldn't be my title, maybe it should be from heartaches to blessings.