Friday, October 29, 2010


I have always been a question girl...always, and anyone who knows me, knows that I can ask some questions. Just when you think there isn't a question to be asked, I can come up with a question. My daughter, Syd, is the same way. Ever since she was little she would ask some of the strangest questions; that hasn't changed and she's 15. It's like being around a 4 yr old child, you know the one that asks 'why is the sky blue?' Answer: (at least by most people) 'it's reflecting the color of the water.' Which definitely leads to 'why is water blue?' The proverbial chicken or egg first, huh? Well thats me too. But lately, I haven't had an answer for a question that keeps coming to my mind..what does sadness and grief look like? What does it look like from your, the outsider, perspective? What does it look like to me, the insider, the viewer? And as of yet I have not received an answer or even close to a guess as to what it looks like from either point of view. There are lots of views of grief from lots of people but no real answers. But for me this is what it looks like, like a long desolate area that is holding onto a lone tree, standing against the wind and barely holding on to the battle toward relief. A sole person, looking for their way thru a valley that has no way out but thru it, and holding a secret around the edge of turn that you can't see around, and to climb out is not an option.; the ridges are to steep and you can't see to the top. Jeremiah talked about sadness and grief too and described like this Jer 9:21 Death has climbed in through our windows and has entered our fortress, it has cut off the children from the streets and our young men from the public squares. I know, only after reading Jeremiah 9 that he is prophesizing about the coming days of distress and the ultimate reclaiming of the world by Christ (note you well before Christ's first coming). But to me this verse says way more, it answers my question of what grief looks like to me and, maybe, to you. I don't truly care if you are aware of a coming death (the living thru a prolonged sickness of a loved one) or if death comes unexpectedly, it climbs into our windows and moves into our lives, our fortress. And while I and my family are living with grief and sadness, the look for outsiders holds true to the second part of this verse. Those who are used to seeing us out now do not, death has cut us (children) from the streets. This is figuratively because in reality, the physical, we are 'out' but inwardly we are not. And for those around us who grieve, no matter the situation, we look like we are cut off from the streets. My question answered.

But, as you know now of me, this answer leads yet to another unanswered question. When will this feeling of grief and sadness end? Where is the destination? I have asked these questions too. I have searched for an answer and everyone has different answers from "you have to work thru this" to "thru God you will get thru this". That's a large range of answers because, if you can imagine, there are a plethera of answers in between these two responses. I can hold onto remembering what it felt like to be truly happy, knowing that Kaleb was going to college at a small Christian college that he picked out, that Jennifer will be in soccer for 4 yrs at high school, and Sydney would always bring a smile and laughter at her constant changes in life decisions. Today, I do not hold onto those beliefs, I know now without any doubt that everything can change and I have not control over my long term happiness or future dreams. That is a reality an acceptance I have came to terms with (so to speak). But I long to know what these questions of mine will bring as answers and .... when? And when it happens what will it look like? Mostly because I have forgotten what it truly looks like. In Jeremiah (yes again), I found a response to what it will look like, even tho I have not found the when. Jer 31:13 Their maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness, I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. I know that this is nearing the end of Jeremiah's book of prophesy and that this is God telling of his promise in Christ but to me He is telling me in no uncertain terms that we will one day be full of true joy and happiness again. That one day our girls will dance in joy, and we will dance with our young men. And He gives those of us going thru grief and sadness that He will take that from us and give us joy and comfort. Even tho, He doesn't tell me when He will do this, He doesn't give me an end date or how to get to that point, He gives me this to share with you. That one day, somewhere at the end of the desert and thru the valley without climbing the ridges, we will get to joy and gladness, happiness and peace, and we will get to dance.
And one day, I will get to look like I am floating on air, both to myself and you. I will get to feel like dancing just because I feel like it and it will bring a smile to my face. And one day, maybe far away or maybe not so far, I will get to dance with my girls, my husband, and my son, once again.