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Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Last Post

So I sometimes go back and re-read what I write just to remember the place I was at in that moment, what was happening at that time to write those words. Well, yesterday in my last post, I felt like I was struggling thru it but when I re-read what I wrote I thought "what in the world!" And after reading it I wanted to delete it from the page and thought better. I remembe things that I want to remember, things that I don't always want to remember, and things that have no business being in my memory bank. But the words that I put on this page or in my written journal seem to flow like I'm not the one writing, and so the last post stays. And I remember in this post that when I look back, which I am doing more often then looking forward, I am reminded that I can't always see directly behind me. I remember when I used to put pictures up on my blogs and am trying to get back to that mostly because pictures tell a story that can't be put in words. Like this one, one of my favorite, a horse looking over its back. Horses can see all the way around them except directly in front and right down the middle of their back and directly behind them, so they turn their heads, like this guy (or girl), to look behind them. They check for their herd to make sue everyone is ok and close and they check for danger from behind. I, and I'm sure you do to, do this only differently. I check behind to see what I missed, what mistakes I've made, what I regretted doing or not doing, so I check behing me. I check to see if the path that I took is full of grass and pastures, flowers and towering trees of life or if it that path is sand and dirt with only my footprints winding endlessly to the point I am standing. I check.

In all this checking, I find myself lost in what I did or might have done, what I didn't do and what I wish I had taken the opportunity to do. And I forget that I'm still walking forward, see unlike horses I can't see where I'm going with one eye and check behind with the other, so I find myself stumbling and that is where I was with yesterday's post-stumbling. I desire more than anything to be free from looking behind and that causes stress, concern, and the unwanted desire to look behind. My fear of doing the same thing over, more than likely the wrong thing, has set me up for the look-back, look over my shoulder, turn around mentality in my mind (and that is truly where it is - in my mind). And, in this struggle of looking back, which it is, I am finding more mistakes in my life than good; more regrets than accomplishments; these are part of the look-back clause. I find all the tiny mishaps, mistakes, regrets and dwell on them, like a fine mistake in a forced blog (i.e. yesterdays) to find a way to discredit the doing. I read something this morning that took me by suprise, and brought on this look-back, in Matthew (Matt 13:3-8). Jesus was talking to a group of people and like He did, all in stories, He said "...a farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun cam up, the plants wee scorched, and they withered because they ahd no root. Other seed fell among thorns which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop...." I bet you're thinking what does this have to do with looking back because I did and then I re-read it (ahh the look-back). I wonder how the farmer in this parable knew what happened to all of the seed he scattered? The only way he could have known was to look-back over his shoulder to see the birds, to go back once he was finished and see the seed that fell on rocks and in thorns, to nurture the seed that landed where he wanted to be and make it grow. He had to look-back, go back, but he didn't re-do. I know that this parable is talking about the seed of life, the nurturing of faith and how one takes that from the sower but to me it talked about looking back.

I see the things that I did that landed on good soil (so to speak) I see those things every day when I get up and when I go to bed. I see the things too, looking back, that I did that landed in hard, unforgiving rocks and thorns, and those things are still there because they are things that I did in my life that I regret doing, or not doing correctly. So I still look back, just like the farmer and his crops. I see now that those looking back moments are ok, they let me see something that I should have seen the first time I traveled that path, but I can't change I handled those moments but I can learn from them. Learn that the little things are just little and don't need my attention when they want to be big problems; learn that even tho I have worked my life for a career, I don't have to let that career be my life; learn that the moments that I spend laughing with my husband and children were moments that out weigh the split seconds of not laughing; learn that friends are friends no matter what and are always a part of my life no matter how far away. And I would like to think that in those moments are like the farmers seeds that fell on good soil. So what does my look-back path look like? I don't know but I hope that it looks something like this path, full of tall trees that flourished through hardship, winds of storms, and forest fires; lush grass that edge the narrow path that I chose but clear enough for my children to see that there was distruction off to the sides but clearing when I stayed true to what as needed to be nurtured and that which fell on good ground. Do you look back? I bet you do. I wonder what your path looks like? I wonder what you think your path looks like? When I started this writing, this picture wasn't what I saw but I think it's what God sees. Maybe I need to adjust the crane of my neck to look over my back, maybe you do too.

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