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Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Frustrated, Delusional, and Angry...Yep That Sums It Up!



Have you ever felt all of these at once....frustrated, delusional, and angry???? I feel that way a lot lately, I had a moment where God intervened in something and I let out to my small group that I was truly (and I am) an angry person. I don't mean the person who is always sounding angry and snapping at people but the person who you wouldn't think is an angry person, that's me. The one who when everyone thinks I have it all together, I snap usually at the wrong time in the wrong place for the wrong reasons. I know someone would say that's just me but it's not just me, I was programmed, by "man" that way. I don't think anyone is truly just angry by nature I know I am not and each day it is a struggle to make it through without fighting down that feeling of frustration and anger to make it through the entire day without just screaming at everyone about every little thing. I didn't have to search far to find this picture on the internet, this is what I feel like inside probably 85% of the time, I just don't express it. I get frustrated with a situation and it builds, mostly because I don't find a way to get it out in a positive environment. Then, believe it or not, I actually have feelings of delusion. Those moments when I can actually assess, playout in mind and have the entire conversation or agrument with myself, essentially. That's when it draws to anger. And the screaming person above becomes me inside. The feeling that no matter what happens this day it is going to be a bad day and everyone is on the chopping board!!! I depise this person, I fight every day to oppress (notice I say oppress) this person. So "she" comes out in other ways. I have fought a long time to be 'me' not that being me is hard to anyone looking in but it is. Have you ever just tried to be you? It's hard. I am not a pretty middle aged (augh) woman. I'm not witty or overly smart, I struggle to be "girlie", which I am not and never have been, and I find that more and more I am faced with being me. And, like most women, I dwell on things of the past and focus on things that I need to control in the future. "Therefore do not worry about tomrrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus was taking about worrying (Matt 6:34) when he said these words. "Do not worry about tomorrow." I read this many months ago and even highlighted it to remember that it meant something then to me....it means more today. God did not design me to be frustrated, delusional, or angry. He designed me for Him and only Him. My life has designed and structured my frustration and anger to match what my circumstances in my life has produced, or more to the point what I have allowed those circumstances to produce. "Do not worry about tomorrow", I believe these words mean more than just what they say. I believe in more than just words Jesus was saying "I got tomorrow taken care of already, I want to you live for the now, the today. Let me worry and handle tomorrow. I already have seen what is coming, I already know your way out, don't worry."
It took a little longer to find this picture, but this is what I want to look like on the inside every day. This is who I want to be, not worried about every moment and day, not frustrated or concerned about tomorrow. If I can get there when frustation starts to build and I start having those delusional conversations that lead to anger, this is what I want to see in my spirit and soul. Me praising God! He can see it even if no one else can but if I can be this inside, maybe just maybe, I can be this on the outside.

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