The Draw....

When I heard this word this morning (figuratively I mean), I didn't think immediately of 'drawing' or to 'draw' like I'm sure you did when you saw the title. Actually what I heard was from old movies where mothers and fathers tell their children to 'go draw some water' for dinner. Strangely odd that came to mind for me and not lets draw something for mom. And its not like I grew up in the netherlands of nowheresville and had a well to 'draw' from, so this was odd to me that this word brought up a memory from old movies. The second thought was 'draw your gun and shoot' again from old westerns that I have no true memory of...well except for Gunsmoke at the beginning when you see the sheriff's boots walking in the street and a quick turn and shoot from his trusty gun tied diligently to his leg. Now after hearing those two thoughts the word draw has a lot more meaning than what it sounds like at first. Its funny how a word that in our life means one thing actually holds more meaning in other ways then we gave it credit for or wanted to acknowledge.

I draw from a lot of things and people, I draw emotions from places that are tucked away in my mind and when they come to the surface, not unlike that bucket from a well, the bring a new round of hurt, confusion, anger, frustation, and often those draws bring smiles, joy, and laughter. I draw toward people for something that I long for in them that is not in me. Strength from friends and Lee, humor that only we could get from past memories, commrodery over frustration, and the list goes. I draw from that well regularly it seems and when the bucket hits the light the emotion and memory brings a wealth of the water that I did not necessarily want to receive. Truth be told, I don't even know how or when the drawing takes place but once one bucket makes it to the surface a wealth of other buckets are hot on its tail. I've been working at drawing from another place too. Working in a struggle to draw from a place that is of comfort and peace. This well has been much harder to draw from, mostly because I hesitate. Why? I'm not sure but I do, and then the drawing becomes a job a work of labor that I fail and walk away from quickly. This well is deep and is, right now, hard for me to get to and even tho I struggle with it, I desire to find and draw from it. This place, this well is where comfort and peace live continually. Where understanding and need to know are put to rest and I can just dwell. And yet I struggle with this draw, struggle to find a way to get the bucket over the well edge, because I am struggling to believe and have faith that this well will provide those few things the draw is harder. Jesus said "...the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life" (John 4:14). And honestly, I believe His words, even tho I struggle with the well I believe those words He spoke and they make the drawing much harder. If this well is a spring of life, I am, I'm sure, suppose to live thru this time and in this time to be something more for someone outside of my life to get water from this well inside of me....Follow? As difficult as it is for me to see this, I want it to be true and full because there in that well bucket comes peace and comfort. There in that well bucket comes the things that I long for and struggle to get on my own. So the draw now has meaning that it didn't have at the beginning, it has a destination, a goal, a focal point, and not an end, it has a place in my life today and someone's future. The draw, not of a gun, but of that well water longing to be pulled from the deep into life. Where is your well? And who is it meant for? I'm still waiting for my answers and struggling with the draw from this well that is calling but I will struggle and hope the draw will be fulfilling, will you?

Pictures and Portions

I have never liked taking pictures, not ever. I do whatever I can do to stay away from being pictured. Why? Well, I've never thought myself pretty and so in light of that, I avoid pictures. I am to say the least, not a girlie girl, never have been so to me when I am asked to take a picture, I have to work to be who I'm not. In reflection, when I see pictures of me, I find flaws, mistakes, and someone who really doesn't remind me of .... me. So avoiding pictures is me. BUT, I love to take pictures!!! Love to take pictures of anyone doing anything at anytime. I especially like to take pictures of my kids doing things that they probably wouldn't be pictured doing. My aunt took pictures of all of us kids growing up - when we were sleeping! That was her favorite to set up some crazy scene with us sleeping and take pictures. And, I inherited that act of craziness from her...actually I think I took it but we'll call it inherited. So throughout the lives of my kids and family I have pictures from Lee smiling crazy from behind a Redskins baseball cap to Kaleb playing under the kitchen sink (no worries there was nothing under it) to Jenn playing her first game of T-ball to Syd dancing on the beach (you can imagine everything in between). Pictures of my life.
Pictures have become a reflection for me too, they have become a sight of the past that, in retrospect, shows my portion in life. These pictures show lives of my children that I have forgotten, sections of the portion that I been blessed to live through that I, in the busyness of life, have forgotten happened. Pictures of Lee, Kaleb and I when we first moved into our first home. Pictures of Jenn in a walker and Kaleb throwing fall leaves on her in my Mom's front yard. Pictures of Kaleb, Jenn and Syd on Bobbi's front yard at Easter. Pictures of Lee and Kaleb in Dotty's kitchen when Lee first realized Kaleb was 5'10" (7th grade). Pictures of Jenn and Syd in the car going who knows where. Pictures that reflect the portion of my life that was fulfilled and I feel as tho I missed when looking at them now.
David wrote about his portion, altho I'm sure he didn't have pictures to reflect on during this time. Davis wrote in Psalms 16:5-6 "Lord you have assigned me my portion and my cup, you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, surely I have a delightful inheritance." Odd that David writes these words in the midst of anguish, pain, fear, and fleeing. I wonder, alot, if David actually believed what he said? I wonder if somewhere in the back of his mind he had doubts that he was surely going to be killed and the words he said were just words to comfort him? Don't you? "Lord you have assigned me my portion" looking at David's life it doesn't sound like he had a good portion all the time. I know that my portion doesn't seem at all fair, or something I wanted to have assigned to me. "Boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places" Yea right? I mean really...pleasant places??? Where, I think, I'm not sure, but David was speaking from a land of his enemy in a cave, doesn't sound to pleasant to me. I don't remember where the pleasant places in my days are, altho I find the off and on in the pictures I see. And somewhere in the middle of David's flight he saw a "delightful inheritance". I don't know what that inheritance would be and I don't think David did either.
I don't see that my portion is pleasant and I don't know how to find that pleasant place again, but I do know at the end of this long winded blog, that I have a delightful inheritance. An inheritance that started with an unexpected pregnancy and will end with two beautiful girls fulfilling a legacy that started in an undesired way. I hope that one day those pleasant places reappear; I hope that my portion is now and today and not only in pictures but in the day at hand; but in all of this I know that my inheritance is delightful, even thru pictures that cause reflection and pain, the inheritance will be more than I expected. Maybe yours will be too. Maybe in this time you are in, you can't see the pleasant places in the cave, and your portion isn't what you want, but at the end the place that you can't quite see yet, your inheritance will be delightful.