What Do I Write About?

I have, after re-reading some of my past blogs, come to the conclusion that I have either way to much to say or some outside source has taken over and been allowed the ability to write whatever, whenever. I'm opting for the outside source. Those posts that have been unthought out and those that are very random in content that I write. What in the world.....Do you remember...How is it possible....that somehow make it from running amuck in my head to... paper(?) yet I write. So since I have opted for the outside source, of which I am firmly sticking with, I wondered if there was a reason, logical reason, one other than I'm simply going crazy. So to the internet I go! And what did I find, well not much. (figure that one out) What I did discover was that I wanted a source for the uncontrolled writing. What meaning does all the stuff thats out there, the things that no one should really read or know for that matter. Yet out the stuff comes and down the fingers to the page. So once more, I went over the things that I had written in the recent past and found that a majority of it was just crap. Yes I have graduated from stuff to crap! And I really can't remember writing or putting down these words for any particular reason. But in my head and in an attempt to figure out the oustide source, I did a little deeper research, within myself, and what I discovered is this: I love to hear the root of words, how they derived to our English language (actually more American than English) from Greek or Latin. What those simple English words in Greek/Latin means and the unsurmountable meanings of the Greek/Latin root. So I looked up "writing" or "write" and what it derived from and the word script is all that there is, that's it, nothing more nothing less just script. Very disappointing I have to say. But then I found something of a dictionary or what I thought was going to be a dictionary and found that the word script has a different meaning within sentences. The two most common meanings "to put down" or "to journal". At the same site it cross referenced script with scripture (this was not intentional by the way) and, altho I knew this, I found that many of the disciples wrote in some fashion. And yes, I know you know that too! But did you ever think why they did that? I'm mean besides the reality of no phones or internet. Why did these men write to their friends knowing that in the course of transfer they would be discovered by the Romans or Jews as Christians? I believe that in every instance when Paul or Peter start one of their scripts it was to pass encouragement and instruction to those abroad they were doing it as a journal, a putting down of words for their memory. Things were probably happening very fast and without order in Paul and Peter's time, I bet that they had very short memory spans, especially when under distress or anguish. So they write to their friends, encouraging them to stay on course. I don't know why the outside source in my head is putting the crap down that it is. I don't understand the reasoning when I re-read some of the crap that I wrote to come to an understanding of what I was trying to say. I don't remember writing those things most of the time. So why do I allow this outside source to continue to put the crap out there? For me. I ask friends to read this and offer it to friends who I think may benefit from my rambling crap but in truth the things that I write by the forced hand of the outside source is for my journal. The things in my head sound just like those that end up out there. In my head, I have those ramblings of 'what in the world' ' do you remember' and 'when this happened' running literally amuck just like they end up on the paper. So what do I write about....crap, sometimes literally but its all a glimpse for you into my head and journal of those things I don't remember for me.

Prisoner

I have to say I am a very curious person. I want to know whatever I can even if it has no bearing on my life or family's life; I just gotta know. But of all the things that I am curious about I have never been intrigued or curious to know what it looks like inside of a prison. I honestly have no desireto hear or have knowledge about this subject, altho I have heard stories and have been informed by others without asking. So what brings about this conversation in my head, well every day I turn on Good Morning America and without fail every morning there is a story out there about a crime committed, criminal arrested, or the outcome of a trial, generall all dealing with prison in the future, prison forecasted, or prison term realized. I generally don't like watching the news but I do get sucked into the morning news barrage and inevitably receive information about 'prison'. And I have come to notice lately that 'prison' is something that outweighs almost all other news. In some sort of way, prison comes up in the news more than any other subject, to include Iraq and Afganistan. If you don't believe me, make a note for one week from news, even the 30 minutes of evening news, and make a point of how many times the news mentions crimes, criminals and outcomes.

So what does it look like in a prison? I'm sure all of us have some picture, image, description of what it is like in prison so I have no idea why this subject came up except that it was the subject of our pastor's message last Sunday. Funny huh??!!! (Come on you think so too.) The subject in wasn't really about prison but that's what I heard a story about prison and prisoners. The true subject was on Paul and Silas beign sent to Phillipi and the 3 different people who were the founding members of "the church" of believers. But in this message I focused clearly on prison... Acts 16: 23-25 "After they had been severly flogged, they were thrown into prison, and the jailer was commanded to watch them carefully. Upon recieving such orders, he put them in the inner most cell and fastened their feet in stocks. About midnight Paul and Silas praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them." So this was just to me a story of Paul's trials of being a believer in Jesus and converting those around him to see and understanding the true God. Right? But what I heard on Sunday was different. First, I imagine someone in stocks as they are in the movies, and I'm sure you do too. Standing with hands and head thru a wooden type thingy (for lack of a better description), and pictures abroad don't help in describing 'stocks' or 'shackles' either. Even bible stories show pictures like this one of Paul and Silas sitting beside each other quietly praising God. Well who couldn't praise God in that situation! But that's not my perception anymore. It came to my understanding during this message what the 'stocks' actually were and it brought an image to my mind of the ending of Braveheart. 'Stocks' in Paul's day was a severe stretching of the legs until the hip dislocated and the prisoner was in severe pain and could only cry out in pain..kind of makes that whole stock thingy a lot more descriptive huh? And in the middle of this severe pain, Paul and Silas began praising and singing hymns, in prison, in stocks, in pain.... and in this time, the jailer wasn't listening, but the prisoners were listening.

I wonder and was asked 'what pain am I going thru that the prisoners are watching?' And my answer is not what it should be; my answer should be I am in pain but praising God and I'm not, not really. The writing on this page is my way of releasing frustration in a non-verbal way and put it out there to relate the way I feel to my friends who read it and my husband. Its not my way of singing or praising God, even tho originally thats the way this all started out some 2+yrs ago. But now it is just a venting match, at least in my mind. But I wondered last week, when I was listening to only the story of prison and prisoners, who is watching? I know that for reality I am not in 'prison', I am not in the stocks or shackles, in the physical I am free to walk and go wherever. But in the soul and spirit, mind and heart, I am in the stocks, locked in shackles, and in pain. And those around me, no matter how hard I hide those facts, can usually see right thru me, they are listening without me knowing that they are listening. So what pain am I going thru that the prisoners are watching? The pain of loss of a child, the struggle of believing that there is a pupose, the trusting God, and the constant fight to hide it all. And those around me are watching and listening, I wonder what I am saying? I wonder what I am really saying because just like you, I can't see me the way you do. I wonder if I am saying those things that are bad and focusing on those things or am I in some way telling them something else? I wonder if I could ever be like Paul and Silas, probably not, but I wonder about it. I wonder if somewhere in the mix of all this that I am in, somewhere in the background am I praising God? I wonder if there is something in me deep down that is doing what Paul and Silas were doing aloud and if anyone is listening/watching? I wonder those things, don't you?