Lead Me

Do you like music? I love it. I like to hear it all the time and most of the time I find a way to dance to it; my husband would say I dance whenever I can, no matter where. I guess, to some degree, he is right, he'll love seeing that! I was cleaning this morning and heard a song I haven't heard in a while, one that when I first heard it I was just drawn to the words. Songs can do that to you; they can make you remember a place or time when you were growing up, they can bring a memory that was long forgotten, or they can bring an emotion so strong that you can not deny its presence. That's what happened this morning. I heard a song.

Do you know what it means to be lead? I know for most of us we know what it means to follow, but to lead, what does that feel like? What does it mean to lead? I don't really know, not really, not when you get down to it, I have no idea what it means to lead. And I'm sure for most of us that statement is true. We may move and go through things in a leadership position and sometimes we lead the way toward some set goal. But do we mean to lead or are we leading at all? I don't know but this morning I heard this song "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real and thought about those words lead me. I know for all purposes we can as for leading, seek leadership, find leadership, and know what it is but to be lead or to lead I believe most of us have little experience. So I looked up pictures of 'lead me', funny I know! But you would be surprised what you find when you look up Google pictures for a phrase, I was when I found a picture of 2 horses walking in snow, one leading the other, and like a passion I looked up horses in snow. I found many pictures of horses in snow, some taken some drawn, and this one. You are probably thinking "what in the world does this picture have to do with a song by Sanctus Real?" Well you would be on the right track because I wondered the same thing and I have to say that it only has to do with the fact that it speaks to me. Horses have a leader in every herd, a dominant horse that takes on the position of leader, the one who is always first in every situation, one who - no matter what- they go ahead...they lead. I have wrote on horses many times and probably this song too but I was to lazy to go back and find it. This particular picture shows ponies being lead by their 'alpha' to some destination; ears pricked forward, not hesitating in the blizzard, he leads. 

I looked up those words "lead me", trying to find them together in the Bible and I did not find them. So I broke the words apart and searched first for "lead" and found Rev 7:17 "For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eye." Odd that I should find this scripture; odd that it is one of few came up with the word 'lead' in it and in the context that I was looking for. I wasn't planning on this scripture; I wasn't looking for this type of scripture, whatever that is. But there it is...and it jumped off the screen at me, it stood out at the moment I was looking. And so I was drawn to the place in my heart that still sheds tears and started looking for other places where 'lead' could take a hold of this emotion and help me bury it once again. That didn't happen! But I was lead to this John 16:22 "So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." Just to caveat here, I am aware that this is Jesus talking to the disciples of His death and return. But I find it odd needless to say, that this scripture was brought to my attention after Revelation 7:17, don't you?  I see that there is a link between these two scriptures; one tells of being lead and one tells of seeing my loved one again. I know in context that these scriptures do not go hand in hand and probably never will to those scholars who commentate. But they ever so do for me, do you see it. These two scriptures read to me in this way 'Now you are grieving, now is that time for your grieving. But I, who sits at the center of the throne will lead you one day, lead you to the love that you miss, lead you to the well of living water that you can not see right now, and I will wipe your tears away, and your joy will return.'

I don't know what it means to lead, I really never have, but I do know what it means to grieve and have those who you do not know ask for my help in their time of grief. Asking me to lead them. I have more than faltered at this task presented me, but I did not intend to lead in any way. I feel that leading is a measure that no one person should take on lightly and yet I find myself in those positions of leading that I neither desire nor need. And continually I ask what does it mean to lead? I am far from the strong pony in the blizzard leading his herd to a designated point. I am far from that one who looks forward with pointed ear and fixed eyes leading ever forward no matter what the condition. I am far from a leader and I ever look for someone to lead me through this time that I am in. I look for someone who is a leader to step forward and lead the way but I really don't have to look far. He will lead me to the living water, when I am ready to follow and when it is time. He will wipe my tears away and fill me with the joy of seeing those I love again. When it is time, He will lead me out of this place; with pointed ear and fixed eye, not unlike that little strong pony, He will lead me.

"Kill Me If You Can"

I know, I know....what in the world? First, no this is not a book review of one of James Patterson's new books. Second, no this title has little to do with the what is coming in this blog.  But I do love a good "take me away" book and this book did just that last night. Almost so that I didn't want to put it down and could have read all night. It is, of course, a classic murder for hire story - filled with unexpected information and the usual "I hired you to do this but now I need you to do this too" plot. There is the usual, as you might expect, unsuspecting schmuck who, I hope, will be the hero of this story, and the obvious "somewhere in the middle of all this chaos" love story.  And I love to read James Patterson, he has a certain way of getting you drawn into a story line without you even knowing it happened, a writer whom I could read just about anything he writes, and someone I am never disappointed in! But this particular book started with, literally, a bang. A story that really is starting to shape up into backstabbing, angry men who are holding grudges for long ago and having someone else do the dirty work that has simmered in their minds. You wouldn't think this type of plot to be the center of a blog, especially not one reviewing this book, and yet here it is, right at the beginning.

It is strange to me how I remember certain titles and ideas for writing here come about. Most of the time, they are related directly with a devotional that I read or a scripture that sticks out; other times it has to do with something that has happened, a course of action for the day or even something that I wish had happened.  So the thought that this book, a murderess story, would find its way here, is strange to me. I think it more strange that place I am going (the end of this blog) and the plot of this story are very similar, almost exactly the same. This particular title, although I have stole it from James Patterson and his co-writer, was one that I wasn't going to use. I wasn't even going to mention the book title at all-just allude to a new book and writer that I am indulging in to make my point. I just couldn't come up with a title to fit-this one does seem to stand alone, catch an eye, and maybe intrigue someone enough to read on. How does this fit me? Well, among other things, this plot drew up some unresolved issues in my head; okay, that's not entirely true, I was already on the anger part of the issues in my head, this book kind of unearthed some that I have been trying to forget. It hasn't worked out so well for me! So strange it is that a book drew me to something I am so familiar with, so comfortable with, that I was drawn to write about it. At the same time, while I was reminiscing about those things and people that made me angry or hurt me, I was given a solution. Like I said, it is strange sometimes how things make their way onto this page. There is a man, in the book, who, in just 2 short lines, let the cat out of the bag and became the focus of my morning blog. He is a bitter, probably middle aged man, angry that he is not the boss in this story. He holds a grudge from his teen years against his life long friend and cousin, whom, by the way, is the boss! Holding this grudge, he begins his path to being the bad guy, the true bad guy. I am much like this character, well minus the fact that I'm not hiring anyone to commit murder, stealing, or smuggling illegal things from the black market. But in reality, deep down, I am much like him. I am holding grudges, ones that I thought I had forgiven and forgot. Ones that if I had had the energy I would have spat out the words fuming in my head at the time. Ones that if I had been there at the time of the offense I would have been put in jail for my actions. And over the past 2 days, all of those long forgotten and thought forgiven things have been emerging slowly. Coming to my mind with unbelievable clarity it is as though the offense had just happened. All from friends, people whom I have known and would have never thought to act in the way they did, people whom I would and have defended, not unlike the character of this book.

I wonder sometimes what was going on in the minds of these friends/acquaintances when the offense occurred? What were they thinking? How could they say or begin to think that saying what they were saying was appropriate? Thus begins the dredging of angers that I have not let go. Last night, that was affirmed that I am still holding these grudges, the title that I didn't want to use poured out of me to the point of not being able to sleep. The whole time I thought of these things that linger in my head on occasion and out of nowhere came an answer, one that I didn't want to know, although one I have heard and have known for some time.  Rom 12:19 "..."It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord." This is not an unfamiliar passage to me; not one that I had to search out, it is one that I have highlighted and underlined in my Bible. "It is mine to avenge". I kept those words tucked away somewhere and last night when I was putting my book down and thinking of all the people whom I'd like to confront, these words came to me. Call it what you will, I call it strange. And even tho the memories of the hurts and angers that I still hold kept coming, there was no desire left for me to go get 'em, so to speak. They were just what they are hurts and memories of anger. I do so wish I had the courage to spout back at a friend when she accosted me in the front yard shortly after the loss of Kaleb and Thad. And I have spent many nights reliving that day - yelling at her the things in my head. I have longed to say. To be the person sitting with my friend when she was told how to handle her grief and her friend did nothing but sit there; I can see myself being the young girl I once was, not thinking about consequences and ending up with assault charges hard on my head.  And yet they are just thoughts and memories that I allow myself to hold onto, "it is mine to avenge". I know that, I have known that for some time, so why did this come up now? Where did it come from? "I believe that God does not play dice" (a quote by Albert Einstein) but He does take a record of those things that are not for our good. I believe that even when I am angry, generally at Him, those things that I can so do something about come flooding back, giving me the gumption to go make my own amends. That is what was happening yesterday and last night. I am still holding those grudges, among lots of others, but I have been angry at God and when I stir that emotion, the door is opened for those old grudges to be relived. "It is mine to avenge" that is His promise to me for those wrongs that I live through. How does that work when it is Him that I hold a grudge against? It doesn't. Plain and simple, it doesn't. The grudge against Him is one that I must work through, one that on faith I can get to a 'non-avenging' mind, one that with time and I will know that He does avenge all those things done against me and He does heal all wounds - even those wounds and grudges that I hold against Him.