His Part and 'his' Part

I love plays, I love the way they actors are right in front of you, and it generally doesn't matter what kind of play it is even if it was also a movie. I love the way a the actors take on the part that they are cast and how they make that character come to life. And, if you've never been to a play, you can see how the person makes the character they are portraying come alive in their own mind and then on the stage. And every actor, no matter who they are, can portray the same character and bring that character to life in a different way. It's amazing to me how a person can imitate a character, either a real character of fictitious, and make me believe that they are that person. My life is exactly the same way; there are people in this life that appear to be whom they really are not- they are acting (or at least that's the way it appears).

I heard something 2 weeks ago at a seminar that I was at, I heard a speaker say something that half made sense to me and half didn't (does that make sense?). The history to this 'something' - the speaker was Jodi Rouse a trainer and leader for a nationwide ministry for ... sorrow (I guess that's the best way to describe it). Anyway in this seminar, Jodi was talking about losing a loved one and how 'we' are to walk through the sorrow with them and how people (mainly us humans) blame God for the loss of their loved one. Let me say that she did not dispute this reaction, she didn't give reasons through the Bible or life that this was displaced or wrong, but she did ask this "What about Satan? What about his part in this?". This took me by surprise (altho I know many of you reading this will say it sounds perfectly right). Why did it take me by surprise? Because I never thought of the way I feel and the journey that our families are now going thru as having different parts. Different characters taking shape. I have only focused on one Character and one Part.

Heb 4:16 "Let us then approach the thrown of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and grace to help us in our time of need."

When we were at the hospital last Spring, we prayed - we prayed - pastors prayed- friends prayed- everyone I knew who had prayer authority was praying for healing and help over Kaleb and Thad. And yet, with petitions upon petitions, our "help" didn't arrive at our time of "need". And in all honesty, we were angry and disappointed with God. We couldn't fathom why we were here; what was happening; and how we were taking every breath (we still don't - not honestly). We needed the one thing, the only thing, that would have worked at those moments in the hospital, we needed a miracle. We needed exactly what this picture says we needed a miracle to replace a grievance of preparation of loss and we didn't get it (not in our sight anyway).

Why in the world would God not provide this miracle, this healing? Why would He delay and not perform His Part? These are questions that haven't been answered and probably never will be, not really. Although friends and counselors relay heavily upon the saying "everything happens for a reason", I don't know that I believe that completely. So anger and disappointment infest and dwell and lead way to the depression - and there I am, waiting for "help" in my time of "need".

Two weeks ago, when Jodi said "Where is Satan's part in this" I thought for a moment and then quickly dismissed this question. Then, shortly after this brief review, I dwelled on this question; dwelled on the thought of what was "his part"? What character does he play? 1Peter "...Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." I don't know if this is his part, what I can say is that he had a part. I don't know if he encouraged, distracted, denied, or held back anything that could have saved our sons but I do know that he is now devouring - me. In every way possible, I have avoided the process of grieving, depression, anger whatever, I've avoided it. And I have been without God, that's the only way I can explain it, without Him (or at least that's the way it seems). So I struggle with dismay and depression, and yet I am dwelling on this question "What is his part?". (by the way doesn't this picture look like depression and dismay? this is how my heart feels.)

I struggle with depression and dismay, struggle against it like they are real things, at least real to me. And a friend, counselor, gave me a book, and in it I found this "Depression is a body, soul and spirit problem that equires a balanced body, soul, and spirit answer." Farther down the same page, the author states "..there is not problem which is not spiritural. There is no time when God is not present." I highligted these statements well before the seminar where Jodi spoke and have revisited them daily; not for spiritual guidance but for truth. I don't know why I don't 'feel' God (altho feelings are not to be used is what I'm told) and I don't know what His Part is anymore in this play I seem to be in. So I need a truth a truth that is outside those that I 'know' are God's truths. A truth that directs to my heart.

I don't know why our sons' time in this earthly place was so short. I don't know that I'll ever know. I don't know why through petitions upon petitions we didn't get a miracle (a miracle that I have seen since last Spring). I don't know why this play is putting roles on the stage that are not taking shape. I don't know what my part is or how His Part relates anymore to me. I do know that there is a part here that belongs to the enemy and 'his part' is being played well to the his character. It's as though the play is being written by him and 'we' are struggling to fit the roles daily. And yet I am disappointed with God, the anger comes and goes but it is not as strong as it was, but the disappointment is not part of the character role that He set in to play. And yet I struggle. What is Satan's part in all this? I know now that its to drive a wedge in my heart, to divide my mind, body, soul, and spirit (the ole divide and concure). That's his part and he's playing it well. All I have to do is believe the truth that "There is no time when God is not present" and that in the end of all ends, He did answer our petitions upon petitions.