Doubt

I love a play on words always have and the word doubt brings only one way to use it-even improperly doubt still means the same thing. When I say or read the word doubt I think of the legal meaning but even in that instance (beyond a reasonable doubt) it still means unsureness and uneasiness. It doesn't cut in any other way doubt only means doubt....funny there's no way to play on that word. So what do you see when you hear the word doubt? Do you see a picture or have an instance of doubt that you remember? I never associated this word with a picture, its not really a 'picture' sort of word. Except, I looked up pictures of doubt and many came up. I'm sure that most of you know the album covers of No Doubt (a band) came up several times, pictures of the band and etc. And pictures with the words "beyond a reasonable doubt" over a jury seating area were produced. And of course the posters of encouragement through doubt and uncertainty. Those all seem reasonable pictures of doubt, right? But I found another picture, one that caught my attention almost immediately when I was scrolling thru the images. The picture will follow but first I want you to know why I was drawn to this picture. I have been 'talking' (sort of) to a pastor lately because I am more than just somewhat depressed. I feel like I am swallowed by depression and anxiety, stress and on and on. And like a pastor is to fulfill, he has provided scriptures and a listening ear (sort of). Today, I sent him something new and after several times of re-writing to him how I felt, I answered my own question. You've done that right? Started with a question and by the end of the conversation you seem to answer your own question. Well that's what happened. I started with the "this is how I feel" and "I'm tired of it "and I can't figure it out" and "I want an answer". And by the end of my conversation, I came to this: "I have no doubt that God is good, I doubt that I will get to believe it again. I have no doubt that He can handle whatever I send toward Him (anger, questions, heavy heart), I doubt that I can handle the fear that goes along with the 'plan'. I don't doubt the peace He offers and gives, I fear not knowing that peace anytime soon again. Thats the truth of the matter doubt. Sad isn't it? That I think I'm doubting myself when I'm really doubting God." So what does doubt look like? James 1:6 says "...he must believe and not doubt because he who doubts is like a wave on the sea, blown and tossed like the wind." Not very encouraging, sorry that's not the meaning of using this scripture, it's to get the picture. Kind of looks like this picture doesn't it? Or does it? My doubt seems to be deeper than waves on the seas; or at least it does to me. The waves can be calmed they were calmed. The sea can be peaceful and its sound brings a peaceful feeling. My doubt is deeper and not waving or tossing, it is structured and confined and something that can not bring peace or be calmed. This is what doubt looks like- doesn't it? The word doubt does look like this in some fashion. Doubt means unsureness, uncertainty, unbelief. Doesn't this look like doubt? Bound to myself, standing alone in a desolate place on one foot, with my head lowered in defeat. Doesn't that picture scream the word doubt? If no other picture says doubt, this one simply does. Doubt is the one thing that I can not defeat, its the one thing that can control me with no way for me to get away from it, not even God. This is my doubt. What happened for this to become the picture of doubt for me? And will I ever not doubt and who is going to help? Jude 1:22 "Be merciful to those who doubt.." I have never read Jude and I just saw this on a search for the word doubt. But the section for this passage is named "A Call to Persevere" and its about saving those who have doubt and who are falling in the fire and the ability to 'snatch' them from the fire. Who is going to help me? I hoped to get answers immediately when I question God, but I'm not, not at all. When am I going to get out of this doubt? Again I wanted an answer and I'm not getting it. Why am I doubting? That I have an answer for. Because I can, I feel as though this is the answer to the why my family is going thru what we are going thru. But somewhere there is Someone who is merciful to me, merciful to know that at some time and some point in the far off future, the doubt will be gone. I just wish it was sooner rather than later. Maybe He will answer that request, maybe He knows I need to know when. But maybe not.