Condemnation or Conviction

I have been whollering in condemnation for the past week and last night I realized that it was actually condemnation and that the enemy who I have been fighting was standing in the doorway. How did I get in that place of condemnation? I was asked to step out in faith by God and pray healing over my older brother while I was in Michigan. Not only did God tell me to do this He also kindly gave me all the words to use. See I was in a moment of disbelief only I didn't know that then. I did pray about this little task that would have taken less than 30 seconds for me to accomplish and in that time I was lead to scripture that supported what God had asked me to do. Did I do this little task and obey God? No. I literally chickened out. So while driving home through Ohio, I was listening to music and the Voice of Truth came on and I knew (I had actually already known) that I was to ask for God's forgiveness for not obeying and His strength to start moving in His will. Not long after that, when I didn't yet again do what I was told to do, I had the thought that I could write to my brother and give him encouragement through scripture every couple of days. When I got home I did write to my brother, I didn't mail the letter but I did write it. I spent about 3 minutes praying over the fact that I felt like I was suppose to do this and then ventured out on my own. But I never put the letter in an envelope and mailed it.
So whollering is where I have been at for the last week and in that whollering I have not spent "quality" time seeking God. Well, in my small group Experiencing God, I was reading about crisis of belief and for a couple of days it felt as though God was just standing over me and pointing a condesending finger at me with a scowl on His face. So every time I tried to spend time with Him, I would fall to pieces. I couldn't even talk about the way I was feeling to Lee or my friends. It was absolutely horrible. So here I was whollering even last night during our meeting and in a DVD I heard this for the first time "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief"(Mark 9;24). Wow!! That was just powerful to me at that moment, and it was at that moment that the condemnation was recognized. I was allowing the enemy to plant the feeling of failure in me God wasn't standing over me scowling or pointing a finger at me in anger, He was waiting for me to ask Him for help in my unbelief.
Condemnation or Conviction, I wonder after this week how many of us think that God is separating Himself from us. This week was enlightening, well now it is; I can see where I could have been literally sucked into the enemy's plan to live in condemnation and not get over the fact that I didn't obey. But God just wanted me to realize that I had to face my unbelief and ask Him for help in that unbelief to face it, release it, and move forward.
I know now that I need to spend time in prayer and wait for God's movement toward sending my brother the letters that I felt I was lead to write. I believe now more than ever that is why I never put that letter in an envelope, God wasn't ready for me to and I, even in self pity and whollering, didn't send it. I believe I am hearing and obeying much better than the enemy wants me to know. I believe God was just waiting for me to fall on my face, be convicted about not obeying Him, and ask Him, out of my pride, to help me face that fact and move forward from there. I think I like conviction much better, it's much lighter to carry because there carrying doesn't happen. I will sit today and pray over my brother and what I feel as though God is leading me to do, maybe now I will hear Him more clearly.