Who Am I?

No, really who am I? I have been spending the past week (that I can equate to this issue) running around in circles in my life and this morning realized that I really dont' know what I am suppose to be doing or who I truly am. Not that I am on a fact finding mission or going to run off to "find myself" (altho that has crossed my mind) but more to the affect of truly who am I. I have a pretty good mask on I think. It took me over 30 years to develope it and make it fit perfectly so that everyone I met would see it instead of me. I even believe that it is me, but lately that old mask it starting to come undone. More like slowly peel off of me like old paint off of a front porch; it's absolutely annoying to say the least. In fact, it has started to make me more unbearable to those around or close to me (like family). I am irritable, moody, snappy, you name it, I'm it...humm kind of sounds like peeling paint huh? I have no idea what I am doing here and that is just rubbing me the wrong way. I mean I must be doing everything that I'm suppose to be doing. Being the mom, being the wife, doing all the laundry, cleaning the house, making dinner, making sure kids get to school, going to work, participating as an employee, everything or at least that's what it feels like. And when I'm alone and just in the quiet, I can't even get through one moment without a sudden burst of tears. It's absolutely driving me crazy. I spent most of one morning in my room, on my knees crying for absolutely no reason that I can think of just a total break down. And that's when I heard myself say for the first time, who am I? What are you doing here? Why are you here? Every question that a woman can go through went through my mind in a matter of a few moments. Who am I? For three days I literally sulked over this problem, quite nicely too I might add. I went about my business just like I was suppose to, going to work, being mom, being wife, going through the motions of my many jobs without an identity. Who am I? Those layers and layers of paint were slowly rolling away from my body. Who am I? I have to say that during this time of doing all my jobs, I was also being faithful, spending my time with God in the morning, and praying and talking to God daily. And yet, who am I kept coming up; kept haunting and me and holding my life hostage. Augh!!! This is nuts! I mean truly nuts! I'm Theresa..right?! I'm me!!! Who else could I be?

Ah ha! This morning I had that moment the "ah ha" moment (something that I will say I am stealing from my friend Eileen), the moment when you realize what the answer is. Who am I? Well, lets see I'm a mother, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a cook and personal driver, a paralegal, an "IT" person, a maid, a groom, a source of food, a ball tosser, a teacher, a friend, a woman. What am I missing? That's me!! Wrong. I was missing me. All of these things are layers of my life, layers of different color of paint that covers who I actually am, the layers of paint that I have put on through my life to hide who I actually am. This morning I sat down and wrote a letter to my older brother Chris. My big brother. The one of my siblings whom I am the closest to, the one who I worry about the most and the one who influences me the most. This morning I realized who I am. I am faithless, I am weak, I am not humble, I am prideful, I am lost. Somewhere in the midst of scraping layers of paint away God let me know that the person who I have become is not who I am. I am afraid to share my love for God with anyone who is really, really close with me. Although I am willing to talk and share with others, I am not sharing with the ones who are the closest to me, especially my brother. Why? Fear. Plain and simple, fear of losing Chris because of my new relationship and life with God so I've allowed that fear to rule my life and add layers of paint to me. Not just in this instance in every instance of my life and God let me know this morning that I was faithless. I was practicing faith and not allowing God to give me faith. This morning I had another bout of tears for no reason, and when I fell on my knees and just prayed and talked to God about my fear of loosing Chris, I was given this, I needed to allow God to give me faith instead of me striving for faith. While I kneeled on the floor crying to God, and God gave me this little piece of who I am, I totally changed my words. I suddenly stopped asking God to help me to have the strength for one more day and the words that came out of my mouth (not mine by the way) were suddenly about faith. There I was tear soaked house-coat and all and suddenly the tears were stopped, and I mean stopped, I couldn't even fake one up, they were gone with the words that lept from my mouth. Who am I? I am a front porch with peeling paint, one layer at a time slowly rolling away, falling to the ground and blowing away; a front porch that God is working on every day and today He removed a whole layer. Who am I? I am God's child, God's friend, and God's front porch that He is striping the paint away from. Who are you?