You Are Here

These are the signs that I remember reading at every place we went as I grew up traveling across the western part of the country. At every rest area, I'd go see where we were and how far we had to go; although  my mother did teach me how to read a map, it was always something to see that sign "you are here" with an arrow pointing directly at the spot on the map. This map is from a park, one that I probably haven't been to but a map nonetheless that I have been drawn to at every state park we visit. For what ever reason, I am drawn to know exactly where I am ... I have no explanation for it, no real reason for it but I am drawn to the maps (yes, even those in the mall - go figure). I don't know if there's are real reason except that I may have a slight mental problem with location....and since that's the only answer I can come up with, I think I'll stick with that reasoning. Oh you can deny it, I'll let you, but in actually every one of us have it ingrained in our psyche to find out where we are - especially if we took a little nap while we were getting to wherever we were going. The ingrained desire to have a respective idea of where we are is something that we grow up with and carry into our adult life. I have found that I am always wanting to know where "you" are - whether its knowing where my girls are, what my husband is doing or where my closest friends are...I want to know, and I believe on some level so do you.

I don't know for sure where you are right now, my immediate guess is sitting on your couch waiting for coffee to finish, scanning the computer and maybe even Facebook stalking...am I close? The sad thing is that I don't know where I am , I've tried to figure that out for the past couple of months and all in all am at a loss for finding the answer - or the indicative arrow pointing to that place on a map stating exactly where I am. I have found myself in this place before but with a little effort I have been able to locate a map or a sign to show me where I am and what way I need to go...lately, tho, I am finding that I am simply wandering around and probably going in circles. There are things going on in this over complicated life that I am avoiding and simply moving around to make it through the day..it has been happening now for about 3 months but last night I realized where I was. My best friend said in a conversation "It makes you wonder why things like this happen to good people." Almost as soon as she said it, I saw my sign "you are here" with a flashing arrow pointing to right where I was standing. In all the months that I've tried to figure out what in the world I'm doing, it took a sentence to make that sign appear...and it took 10 hours for me to see the flashing arrow but I finally know where I am....Psalms 38:17 "I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me." The statement my friend made was about the loss of a husband suffered by a friend of hers, but I think it was more than just that, I believe it was a statement of the place we have been for a while, walking in circles trying to figure out why we suffer things that are bad, when there seems to be no reason. "I am about to fall..." Literally, the fall happened over 2 yrs ago, that's when the questioning began and when the fall started. I started questioning the reason that "we" suffered something so unbelievable after moving out of a life without Christ and into a life with Christ. There are no answers, trust me I've looked.. But I did find a direction, probably not the direction that I wanted but I found it nonetheless....1Peter 2:19 "For it is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God." No, this is not the direction or arrow that I wanted, it is far from a answer to the life that I am now standing in, but it is nonetheless, an answer. I am in a fall, and no matter how much I try to avoid the pain that I (and those around me) have suffered, it is..forever with me. There is no running from it, no hiding from it and by far no way to get that arrow showing me where I am; I am aware of God through this unjust suffering, even tho I am stuck with trying to find a direction, and through questioning, I am aware of God's presence how ever far off it is, I am aware.

"I Know.."

"I know" seems like a simple set of words...doesn't it? I haven't written here in a long, long time and those of you who may frequent this blog would say .... "I Know!" As a mom, I am constantly saying "I know", "I know", "I know". And then something happened this Spring that I was prepared for, wasn't in "the know" of, something that will define a future from constant and stead, trekked through fear, and now into a time of faith, a place I "know" to well.

This Spring our daughter Jennifer became a 'real' senior in high school. One day she got up and she was a young girl, at least in my eye, and the next day she was a young woman, preparing to graduate and thrust into a season of faith.  She did not make this trek alone, she had by her side her little sister-a growing young lady who in all ways makes you laugh when you least expect to-and in the background stood me and her father.  This Spring we spent all week running from soccer game to soccer game, thing to thing, to and from Montreat College, and all while working toward a date that may have stopped all of our plans. We as a family are entering into a new life, a life where we will see Jennifer move away to college, where Sydney will consume all of our time, and where Lee and I may be able to recover into each other once in a while.  And we don't "know" what will happen, how we will fair, and what the outcome will be we move ever forward. What I "know" is that it doesn't matter.  More than four years ago, I had a feeling that there was a plan for Jennifer a great plan that I was not privy too. This week I re-read something that I'd read more than four years ago, and I realized that the future of our lives is taken care of. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

"I know" that is all that matters, those that words "I know", because in those words there is peace and grace. I know my daughters are strong and amazing young women. They are held up by hands that I do not see, directed by a plan that I don't have control over, and they are beautiful young women who are more then blessings in my life. They give me a day of laughter when I least expect it, they "know" when the other needs to laugh, they give grace to a home that sometimes isn't the liveliest to be part of, and they are loved more than they "know". Our girls, they "know" somethings that they don't even realize, they "know" how to make a  smile and "know" how to draw one out of us. They "know" their heart and don't have a problem speaking their minds (although I have no idea where they get that from) and they are full of life. They may not "know" how much they mean to me and Lee, and that's ok, they probably don't realize that they are more than just our daughters but daughters of friends in our life. They, together, are a future in the shadow of tragedy, they are laughter in a time of tears and fear, and they are the loves of my life. From flowery outfits and playful words, to strong opinions and faithful hearts, these lovely young women are love and flower, peace and grace, strength and presence...they are the breathe of my life every morning when they trek downstairs...they are our daughters!

 "for I know the plans I have for you", "plans to give you hope and a future"..... the future of hope  and plans of prosper....I know that there are strong plans for our daughters in this coming future and I can't wait to see who they become! With all my love, to my daughters, Jennifer and Sydney.