Separated

I don't know if you can understand or want to understand the place that my heart, mind and soul stand entrenched. I don't know if I can explain, demonstrate, or even begin to lead your mind or imagination in that direction to give you a sampling of this place. It is probably, by far, easier for me to use a different personal experience, one that may be related directly to you, to bring you to this understanding. Many, if not all of us, have in some way been affected by a separated family, most through the act of divorce. I'm sure many of us in one way or another have moved from a childhood home or a long time home where we have made life long friends whereby we swear to stay in touch and close across the distances. And we become, without warning, separated from part of our lives that in its essence was something of paradise (well in one way paradise). We become separated by space, land, miles, and other people, from those parts of our lives and we move on, finding a parent in a new way or finding a new friend whom we wouldn't have met otherwise without the move.

Its easy to associate or place something in the way of being separated, actually very easy, especially when its a family break (usually someone moves out causing the separation) or a move from short-time home putting distance, a physical realm between two people. There is, however, a type of separated that you can not see, one that is not part of a physical picture such as a move. There is a separateness that causes a wandering that leaves much to be desired and one that I hope not many would have to experience. My mind,needless to say, wanders, drifts, and slowly separates itself from the rest of me (odd I know), and I'm sure many of you have experienced that wandering too. I believe that it is a survival tactic for my mind, a way for my mind to maintain itself against my will. My mind has, literally, a mind of its own, the separation that is created by its wandering makes it possible for it to think rationally, process and continue to take care of my body. So what is it separating itself from? My heart. My heart although somedays has the power to get me out of bed and move me in a straight line, is not really here. My heart has been separated from my mind and soul for over a year and it is, without any control, lingering at the place that my mind can not stay. And these to vital parts of me have without delay separated themselves quite effectively from my soul. Although some days I look and sound full of life, a life that my mind can work through and my heart can pound through, there is little soul within it. I believe that if any one really looked they could see the separation of me, the distance between the 3 things that make my life function inside of my frame-where they are separated by time and emotion.

I don't like this separation and it has taken me this long to figure out how I can still work without literally falling into shambles, how I can make everything function without wandering away. Now that I have figured out this pandora's box problem, I'm worried that I will not be able to reunite these 3 and if I can when with it happen. I worry that this separation between the 3 parts of me have created and caused a 4th separation, a separation from my faith and God. The struggle to bring together the 3 separated parts of me becomes more difficult when I am struggling to know God is with me, although I know, or having difficulty believing He is walking with me, although He is, and I realize that knowing is only 1/8 of the truth and formula to bring me back together. The separateness, I now know, is partly survival, partly life, and somewhere in between those things is faith bridging survival and life together in a way that either of the other 2 parts are able to do alone. I don't like this separation and rebuilding, that's actually what it is a rebuilding of a relationship and foundation -only its inside where you can't see. I don't like knowing and knowing that is not the foundation to rebuild. But I believe (I think) that somewhere in the mangled separated mess that is in shambles inside of me there is Someone who can put it all back together, if I didn't, even though I don't see it everyday, my mind would just wander me away. My heart would just be sad all the time and my soul would have to fight in between to keep me in the physical here. So I believe.
Romans 8:35, 39"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?... neither height or depth, nor anything in all creation, will be able to separate us from love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Philemon 1:18 "perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was so that you might have him back for good..."

Fixer Upper

I was raised by a fixer upper; no matter what was wrong or what was happening, no matter what house we lived in whether it was in good condition or crappy condition, there was something to be fixed and my Mother was the fixer upper. So, naturally, I unexpectedly inherited the wonderful trait. I rarely find things that can't be fixed (or changed - same thing) and I can do it or find a way to do it - even if inefficiently. It was without a doubt that I would marry a fixer upper. Lee can fix just about anything and if he can't fix it, he tries to fix it first before finding a repair person. Which as you can imagine, could be a problem, but its not, oddly enough, he doesn't do damage so unrepairable that a repair person costs more than an arm (or leg). He's absolutely amazingly, a rare find. I have to say that having a fixer upper (times 2) in the house can be somewhat overwhelming for our children. If one of us isn't doing something the other one is and they girls are kind of caught in the middle. I wonder if either of them inherited this...disease.

Why the fixer upper? Why this title? Well I have to give credit to my friend, Laura, who emailed me about her wonderful, genius of a husand who fixes their vehicles without even a hitch of a problem. The second reason was due to a title of a distant friends blog "permanent temporary". I know they have nothing to do with each other but bear with me. I haven't warranted a writing in the past couple of days (going days, weeks or months lacking of inspiration). I am, by all means, a person in need of inspiration, sad I know I should be inspired just waking up (okay back to reality). The fixer upper, the one person who could put stuff back together and fix it up right the way it was before the break. You might be surprised as to the word fix, I was! Why? Well because my idea of fix is to repair or mend, God's idea of fix is something completely different. He relates my fix to the actual meaning of 'mending', go figure, He relates fix to looking or seeing, setting or making a point of, not repairing! Great, don't you think? I mean I was looking for something to fix me, the ultimate fixer upper, and I found something completely the opposite. It was at this point, I found mend, and you know what there are only 2 places in the NIV Bible that reference the word 'mend'. Again, not what I was hoping.

So why does this matter? Well it really doesn't, not in reality. It doesn't really matter and looking at what I wrote above it looks like alot of blahblahblah words. But I love my fixer upper husband, and I love that I grew up with a fixer upper, and now, more than ever I need a fixer upper for my soul and heart. 2Cor 4:18 "fix your eyes on not what is seen, but what is unseen; for what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal." Heb 12:12 "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus.." Prov 60:2 "......mend its fractures, for it is quaking." I would rewrite these 3 short cuts from these places and in my version it would read like this: "Fix your eyes on Jesus for He, even tho unseen, is eternal. The world or land that you are walking thru are temporary and He will mend all fractures, even when you are quaking, this world and time are only what is seen right now, He has an unseen time for you." I love fixer uppers, don't you?