Purge It!

That's right those of you who will read this post, purge it, and I do mean this emphatically! Why? Well mostly because I believe that every once in a while you just got to purge stuff - any stuff, all stuff, some stuff, most stuff, whatever it is, this is THE PURGE!!!!

You might be or might not be interested how I came along this idea but since I don't know your state of thinking I'm going to share (I bet you want to run now!). Last week, I indulged in something that I generally do not do and as a result of this indulgence, I was forced to 'purge' my stuff right out of me.  Unfortunately, this particular indulgence carried over to a friend who, like me, spent most of the night (and the next day) purging the indulgence away.  And like most things that just seem to pop into my head, the word purge came to me at around 5:30 A.M on Saturday morning - and like most things that just come to me, I haven't been able to get the word, the commonality, the direction, the whatever it is, purged from my mind.  So here I am, writing about it - so hunker down, this might not be what you want to read.

I looked up the word 'purge' in the dictionary and was surprised to read the definition. Merriam-Webster defines purge  as 1a: to clear of guilt; b. to free from moral or ceremonial defilement; 2a. to cause evacuation from (as in bowels). There are other definitions beyond these but I stopped here. I found myself intrigued by the definition and how it related to my physical position last week and how I related to the words that were in the definition and I was surprised how Merriam-Webster defined the word. Who would have thought the first definition would be to 'clear of guilt' followed by 'to free from moral or ceremonial defilement'.....I don't know about you but, yay! I couldn't resist with looking up this word so I went on to a word that I thought would be synonym - remove. It's kind of odd you'd think that these two words are similar enough to hold a similarity in their definitions...you would be wrong. Merriam-Webster defines remove as 1a. to change a location, position, or residence; b.to transfer from one court to another; 2. to move by lifting; 3.to dismiss from office; 4. to get rid of. Ok so that didn't work out for me as well as I had originally planned! I'm guessing the same is true for you.  I am far from perfect and last week when the purge was needed at that time of indulgence beyond desire, I had to remove those things from within that were causing the undesired purge. And as I was going through this not so pleasant  purging and removal process, I wondered why I was being subjected to time in my life when I didn't desire for such type of removal. I have and still am quite desperately moving through the horrible process of grieving over the loss of my son and his friend; still going through the motions of 'being ok' and I wonder how do I get through this more quickly, how to remove it from my life. I've asked myself and God this hundreds of times with no response, well not really. I have asked for this to be removed from me and to be wakened from the long dream of the past 2 years, with no compliance or notion of rewind. And the thought of the god that I love who did nothing to reverse the situation brings anger and distress, fear and insecurity to my life. What was going on at that time that He didn't respond? Where was my miracle? I have tried to compare my feelings with those of the Bible, the anger that David had toward God where he continually yelled at him throughout his flight away from Saul. The unbelievable courage and love that Job resounded through all that was taken and destroyed of his by the  non-movement of God. The knowledge of pending death by Jesus when He asked "Father, remove this cup from me."(Luke 22:42) And I have failed to truly fit into those characters, truly missed the mark. I have yet to purge my life of the fear, insecurity, distress, anger, etc, that rules my days. I still have those moments when all else has failed and I am just mad at the loss that two families suffered on the same day. I am by all means unable to purge those emotions, unable to get rid of them, and I have yet to have this cup removed.

I wonder if there are others like me? You who are out there unable to purge away the things that have caused the place you now find yourself. I wonder if you too have asked, in not so many words, to have the cup removed from you, with nothing but deafening silence to follow. And I wonder why us? Why at this time in our life have we been given such a cup that He will not remove from us? And no matter how much we beg, plead, sweat, run from, hide from, blurt it out, or sit with it, we are unable to find a way to purge it from our lives.  I don't believe it is acceptance, although those who counsel would disagree. I do believe that this is a time of drawing, either to or from Him, in our own ways we are drawing in some direction. I believe that this will not be purged or removed from us, for no other reason than if it were to be removed, it would already be done. And I don't know the answer to getting to the point of removal of this place and I don't know that being removed will ever happen. I do believe that this is my cup, maybe yours too, and removal is a something that does not lie in the balance. "Father, remove this cup from me."