It is strange to me how I remember certain titles and ideas for writing here come about. Most of the time, they are related directly with a devotional that I read or a scripture that sticks out; other times it has to do with something that has happened, a course of action for the day or even something that I wish had happened. So the thought that this book, a murderess story, would find its way here, is strange to me. I think it more strange that place I am going (the end of this blog) and the plot of this story are very similar, almost exactly the same. This particular title, although I have stole it from James Patterson and his co-writer, was one that I wasn't going to use. I wasn't even going to mention the book title at all-just allude to a new book and writer that I am indulging in to make my point. I just couldn't come up with a title to fit-this one does seem to stand alone, catch an eye, and maybe intrigue someone enough to read on. How does this fit me? Well, among other things, this plot drew up some unresolved issues in my head; okay, that's not entirely true, I was already on the anger part of the issues in my head, this book kind of unearthed some that I have been trying to forget. It hasn't worked out so well for me! So strange it is that a book drew me to something I am so familiar with, so comfortable with, that I was drawn to write about it. At the same time, while I was reminiscing about those things and people that made me angry or hurt me, I was given a solution. Like I said, it is strange sometimes how things make their way onto this page. There is a man, in the book, who, in just 2 short lines, let the cat out of the bag and became the focus of my morning blog. He is a bitter, probably middle aged man, angry that he is not the boss in this story. He holds a grudge from his teen years against his life long friend and cousin, whom, by the way, is the boss! Holding this grudge, he begins his path to being the bad guy, the true bad guy. I am much like this character, well minus the fact that I'm not hiring anyone to commit murder, stealing, or smuggling illegal things from the black market. But in reality, deep down, I am much like him. I am holding grudges, ones that I thought I had forgiven and forgot. Ones that if I had had the energy I would have spat out the words fuming in my head at the time. Ones that if I had been there at the time of the offense I would have been put in jail for my actions. And over the past 2 days, all of those long forgotten and thought forgiven things have been emerging slowly. Coming to my mind with unbelievable clarity it is as though the offense had just happened. All from friends, people whom I have known and would have never thought to act in the way they did, people whom I would and have defended, not unlike the character of this book.
I wonder sometimes what was going on in the minds of these friends/acquaintances when the offense occurred? What were they thinking? How could they say or begin to think that saying what they were saying was appropriate? Thus begins the dredging of angers that I have not let go. Last night, that was affirmed that I am still holding these grudges, the title that I didn't want to use poured out of me to the point of not being able to sleep. The whole time I thought of these things that linger in my head on occasion and out of nowhere came an answer, one that I didn't want to know, although one I have heard and have known for some time. Rom 12:19 "..."It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord." This is not an unfamiliar passage to me; not one that I had to search out, it is one that I have highlighted and underlined in my Bible. "It is mine to avenge". I kept those words tucked away somewhere and last night when I was putting my book down and thinking of all the people whom I'd like to confront, these words came to me. Call it what you will, I call it strange. And even tho the memories of the hurts and angers that I still hold kept coming, there was no desire left for me to go get 'em, so to speak. They were just what they are hurts and memories of anger. I do so wish I had the courage to spout back at a friend when she accosted me in the front yard shortly after the loss of Kaleb and Thad. And I have spent many nights reliving that day - yelling at her the things in my head. I have longed to say. To be the person sitting with my friend when she was told how to handle her grief and her friend did nothing but sit there; I can see myself being the young girl I once was, not thinking about consequences and ending up with assault charges hard on my head. And yet they are just thoughts and memories that I allow myself to hold onto, "it is mine to avenge". I know that, I have known that for some time, so why did this come up now? Where did it come from? "I believe that God does not play dice" (a quote by Albert Einstein) but He does take a record of those things that are not for our good. I believe that even when I am angry, generally at Him, those things that I can so do something about come flooding back, giving me the gumption to go make my own amends. That is what was happening yesterday and last night. I am still holding those grudges, among lots of others, but I have been angry at God and when I stir that emotion, the door is opened for those old grudges to be relived. "It is mine to avenge" that is His promise to me for those wrongs that I live through. How does that work when it is Him that I hold a grudge against? It doesn't. Plain and simple, it doesn't. The grudge against Him is one that I must work through, one that on faith I can get to a 'non-avenging' mind, one that with time and I will know that He does avenge all those things done against me and He does heal all wounds - even those wounds and grudges that I hold against Him.
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