Change

Have you ever had a time when you were hungry for something and even tho you eat everything in your house, you are just not satified? So like most of us who are not wanting for food, I just move to the next item in the refrigerator or cabinet line and proceed to search for the thing that I am looking for, of which, I have no idea if I will find it or what 'it' may be.  I am in this way very much like my mother, not to mention other ways I'm sure family would like to point out, but this way seems to remind me of her the most.  Yesterday, and already this morning, I began eating like I was a famished child from Kenya and continued that way to eat until I went to bed, and still then looking for something to satisfy me. This morning I, although I haven't eaten anything yet, I did find something that doesn't satisfy me. I bought a new creamer for my coffee, something I thought might be a good change to my regular coffee (or as my friends would say a creamer for my coffee to be added to), and that's when it dawned on me. I'm not looking for a food to eat to satisfy me, I'm looking for something to comfort me. You see, today, I am branching out to a new job/career; a position I have absolutely no skill at and have never attempted. So, needless to say, I am anxious, nervous, and apprehensive, hence the non-stop looking for something to eat. In my little world of craziness, I have used food or lack of food to comfort or hide my actual emotions and when I have made it through the task or moment at hand, the need to fill that time with/without food subsides. So why food? Well for one, food doesn't have an opinion, ok that's 1, 2, and 3. Why now? Because I have been holding on to my position at Webb & Graves (my previous career and work place) for more than 7 months, and last week I was given an opportunity for change.
Gal 4:20 "how I wish I could be with you now and change my tone, because I am perplexed about you." I know, I know, I'm using this statement out of context and I'm sure that there is much more before and after this that I am not willing to read. Why? Because this statement, this verse says alot about me. I am sure this is one of the apostles or disciples writing to the Galatians that he is not with or close to, but this says something completely different to me. I have, for all intense purposes, been ignoring God for whatever reason I can really come up with at that particular moment. This statement says exactly why. I wish on some level that I was no longer here in this world, no longer dealing with the day to day agony of heartache, finances, problems, hurdles, you name it I wish it. And, on that same level, I feel as though if I could be with Him then my tone about Him and His plans would change, my heart would change; why? Because I am perplexed or even angry about the life that I have had to live. I'm sure you would have never of thought of this statement in that manner, you probably never even read this statement alone or separated out from its full context. And yet, this is how I feel.
Gal 4:20 "how I wish I could be with you now and change my tone, because I am perplexed aobut you."
Psl 51;12 "Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."
Ok why did I repeat Gal 4:20? Well because it was needed first and second because it is my situation in a different way. I am reluctant to change, well change in a major way. And now, in the wake of change starting today, I am wishing more and more that I could just stay home, keep with the part-time work I am doing at Webb & Graves and work on the side with catering. I'm sure without fail I will find some way to hid the way I am feeling and press thru this week, but I am anxious beyond means.
I had no intention of finding Psalms this morning, I wasn't looking for verse and I couldn't tell you which one I was looking for but I suppose this is the one that I most needed. I am finding at some level joy again, personal joy not His joy, and I most need that joy to continue. I was born with a stubborn attitude, probably for just like moments of this where I an reluctant to move forward, my stubborn streak takes over and pushes me through.  It is on some level the same with Christ, I hope anyway, He has a stubborn streak too. And somewhere in the midst of last week, I told God I think a couple of times, 'if this is the job you want me to have, then I'll wait for you to provide it' and He did, or at least I believe He did.
In some aspects of my life, I am still perplexed and anxious about the future, fearful and not ready by any means for the coming year. In some aspects of my life, I am ready to move forward but my feet like being propped up on the coffee table. In some aspects of my life, I laugh and really feel happy and yet there is a part of me hesitant to let joy return. I'm still hungry for something, and I still don't have a clue as to what it is, and I'll probably be eating today without thought and maybe this change will help restore some of the joy that I am missing, maybe its in His plan for me and I'm reluctant to move maybe I don't need to find that something to eat after all.