Crazy Life

I have had a crazy life, you don't believe me, well I wouldn't either but I'm living it...still. The reason for this title is because my girls have got me hooked on Michael Buble's Everything song...in it he calls life crazy and then tells the woman he's singing for that she's his everything. That's exactly what my life is, crazy, not just in times but the whole thing. I never really had a permanent home, not until 9th gade. We moved all over the place growing up. When I semi-grew up, I got married, actually that's not true. I got pregnant first then got married. Remember I said crazy life, I apparently didn't do anything the correct way first...it was a learning experience of life in happening. We, Lee and I, had times where we didn't know what we were going to eat, when we were going to have money, how we were going to feed Kaleb and then, came Jennifer. And shortly after her, Sydney. More craziness!! And if you don't think having 3 children under age 4 is craziness, believe me - don't try it for yourself. So on the surface that doesn't sound crazy..it sounds like life. But being inside of it is crazy at the time, now looking back at that craziness, I wouldn't have missed that for anything.

Now, in this place it seems our family is at, we are in a crazy life. I don't know how the girls are doing, not really, truth be told I've been avoiding that part of my motherly duties. But for me and Lee, I think our life looks exactly like this picture....no direction, or if there is we don't know which way to go. Just as soon as it seems like its suppose to be a left turn, a road sign goes up and I'm on the wrong road. I started something this week, Grief Share, and I'm not liking it because the book asks me to detail my grief. And so I have but seeing this picture, this is what my grief looks like, total craziness and confusion. And I've been in craziness and confusion before but not like this, not where it seems like every way is the wrong way. And I read something this morning, Jesus talking to Peter about Peter's betrayal. He says 'Satan wants to sift you like wheat and I have prayed for you that your faith will not fail." (Luke 22:31) I've read this before but not in the context that I was given this morning. This morning I read craziness and confusion instead of "sift". I never eally understood this verse or what Jesus was telling Peter and I may be completely wrong on this but I think that Jesus was telling Peter that Satan was asking but he was doing at the same time. Peter didn't understand that in his moments of wanting to be faithful in words, he was being confused and made to feel like the things he was being told were crazy. And when I look at this, I think that is what my life is - sifting. Just like when I take a hand sifter and put flour in it, I stir it up that is what is happening in my life. Sometimes the sifter is just steadily sifting and all is ok, the road signs are clear and then someone goes and uses their hand to beat the side of the sifter to make it go faster and the pain, confusion, anger, and loss of faith fill my life.

I wonder, and hope, that Jesus is praying for me like he did for Peter because praying isn't something I do much of anymore. It seems right now a waste or lost effort, something that was a direction that now is just blocked from me taking that road. So in my place of confusion and craziness, and I need to find something that is the song, the words, the lines, everything, I find Lee. Somewhere in the midst of all thist confusion I can find Jesus too sometimes, not often, but sometimes and I get a glimpse of Him. I don't know what He's doing but I hope He's praying. Don't you?