Pictures and Portions

I have never liked taking pictures, not ever. I do whatever I can do to stay away from being pictured. Why? Well, I've never thought myself pretty and so in light of that, I avoid pictures. I am to say the least, not a girlie girl, never have been so to me when I am asked to take a picture, I have to work to be who I'm not. In reflection, when I see pictures of me, I find flaws, mistakes, and someone who really doesn't remind me of .... me. So avoiding pictures is me. BUT, I love to take pictures!!! Love to take pictures of anyone doing anything at anytime. I especially like to take pictures of my kids doing things that they probably wouldn't be pictured doing. My aunt took pictures of all of us kids growing up - when we were sleeping! That was her favorite to set up some crazy scene with us sleeping and take pictures. And, I inherited that act of craziness from her...actually I think I took it but we'll call it inherited. So throughout the lives of my kids and family I have pictures from Lee smiling crazy from behind a Redskins baseball cap to Kaleb playing under the kitchen sink (no worries there was nothing under it) to Jenn playing her first game of T-ball to Syd dancing on the beach (you can imagine everything in between). Pictures of my life.
Pictures have become a reflection for me too, they have become a sight of the past that, in retrospect, shows my portion in life. These pictures show lives of my children that I have forgotten, sections of the portion that I been blessed to live through that I, in the busyness of life, have forgotten happened. Pictures of Lee, Kaleb and I when we first moved into our first home. Pictures of Jenn in a walker and Kaleb throwing fall leaves on her in my Mom's front yard. Pictures of Kaleb, Jenn and Syd on Bobbi's front yard at Easter. Pictures of Lee and Kaleb in Dotty's kitchen when Lee first realized Kaleb was 5'10" (7th grade). Pictures of Jenn and Syd in the car going who knows where. Pictures that reflect the portion of my life that was fulfilled and I feel as tho I missed when looking at them now.
David wrote about his portion, altho I'm sure he didn't have pictures to reflect on during this time. Davis wrote in Psalms 16:5-6 "Lord you have assigned me my portion and my cup, you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, surely I have a delightful inheritance." Odd that David writes these words in the midst of anguish, pain, fear, and fleeing. I wonder, alot, if David actually believed what he said? I wonder if somewhere in the back of his mind he had doubts that he was surely going to be killed and the words he said were just words to comfort him? Don't you? "Lord you have assigned me my portion" looking at David's life it doesn't sound like he had a good portion all the time. I know that my portion doesn't seem at all fair, or something I wanted to have assigned to me. "Boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places" Yea right? I mean really...pleasant places??? Where, I think, I'm not sure, but David was speaking from a land of his enemy in a cave, doesn't sound to pleasant to me. I don't remember where the pleasant places in my days are, altho I find the off and on in the pictures I see. And somewhere in the middle of David's flight he saw a "delightful inheritance". I don't know what that inheritance would be and I don't think David did either.
I don't see that my portion is pleasant and I don't know how to find that pleasant place again, but I do know at the end of this long winded blog, that I have a delightful inheritance. An inheritance that started with an unexpected pregnancy and will end with two beautiful girls fulfilling a legacy that started in an undesired way. I hope that one day those pleasant places reappear; I hope that my portion is now and today and not only in pictures but in the day at hand; but in all of this I know that my inheritance is delightful, even thru pictures that cause reflection and pain, the inheritance will be more than I expected. Maybe yours will be too. Maybe in this time you are in, you can't see the pleasant places in the cave, and your portion isn't what you want, but at the end the place that you can't quite see yet, your inheritance will be delightful.

Server?

I have to say that I worked for many years in the restaurant business; being a waitress, mostly, a hostess, bartender, floor manager (for a short time), and other things, and I used to (at a much younger age) love it. I could work Thursday thru Sunday doubles on pay-day weekends and make more money in tips than you can probably imagine. And, of course, being the totally dishonest person, I was not claiming all of those tips in my paycheck for taxing. Why???? Well, why? I mean what kind of doodoo would do that!? Certainly not me! We, Lee and I, were working opposite shifts trying to get as much money as possible to raise 3 very young children without 'dishing' out as much as was needed to survive. Daycare alone would have been astonomical even 15 years ago it was unbelievably high, so we worked around daycares, work schedules, and kids to make a buck. And trust you me, I did make a buck or two waiting on tables....ok maybe more than a buck or two! And I loved the money I made; it was like free cash because you only have to claim 10% (probably 15% now) of your sales. And goodness nows waitstaff is making much more than that, so why claim it...right? Well I don't work as a waitress anymore and haven't for many years...but I still, to some extent, live by the waitress mentality of "if the feds don't know about it, why claim it?" So maybe I do work a job on the side here an dthere for under the table money...but still I don't claim that as extra income, like I should. But who's the wiser right? Or at least that's my take on it!!!
Money has become a staple to me, not because we, as a family, are or ever have been money wealthy, but because since age 15 I have worked to make money. This November, that will all change, I am leaving my career position of the past 11 yrs and making a change to serve my family and be available for my children. This will, by no uncertain means, probably drive me crazy. You understand if you know me, but I have decided that I don't want to regret missing anything that my girls do or want to do because of my loyalty to money. And when you look at it the right way, that's exactly what it is, my loyalty to money. I have no problem putting work first, feeling bad when I ask for time off, work late for free or off the clock, and put my children after the making of money....that is, without a doubt a loyalty to money. So I have, as you can imagine, a little anxiety about this leaving the working force and being a 'stay at home mom' for my teenage girls, but for no other reason than because I will not be making money, cash, denaro, mulla, etc, etc, etc.
So this morning, I looked for anything that would give me a sense of peace about my decision, a confirmation of what I was doing was right, and found 1Peter 5:2 "be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers --- not because you must but because you are willing as God wants you to be, not greedy for money but eager to serve." This spoke to me, God spoke to me and spoke directly to what I was worried about, money! I have no idea who wrote this, my guess is Peter but my guesses are usually wrong, but for argument sake lets say its Peter, I like Peter because he tried with human might to be perfect and right and continually screwed up. So, he is very much like me and probably even you. But this passage, these words gave and give me new direction, 'be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care'. Now I'm sure that Peter was talking to a group of religious/spiritual leaders, but to me, God says 'be the mom that you need to be (be a shepherd), the mom that I made you to be, even when you didn't want to be a mom, you are and you were created for that role, to raise and watch over the (flock) children that I gave to you'. And I'm sure that Peter was telling this group that they needed to serve in the position that they were in because they desired and wanted to serve not because of the money (or offerings) that they were receiving on behalf of God. But to me God said "don't worry about the money, that's been your priority for long enough, don't make this about the money but about your family, your children, your friends, who will need you more than you know in the coming times; serve Me not money". So for me 1Peter 5:2 says "This is your calling, one you missed for many years but one that is still waiting for your attention, this is your place to watch and raise My children, to serve Me and be a blessing to those who need you and not be needy for money but for the joy that has already been placed before you. I will provide and care for your needs, you provide and care for My children with a willing heart."
I wonder what else I like to serve? I know that there is more, maybe deeper within me that I haven't found yet, but I know and trust that Lee has all the right decisions regarding our finances and that God has our back. All I have to do is let it go and follow that calling.